Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast. I'm your host, Deb Maisner. I'm a registered nurse, health coach and alcohol free badass. I have found that there's more than one way to address drinking. If you've ever asked yourself if drinking is taking more than it's giving, or if you found that you're drinking more than usual, you may have reached your own alcohol Tipping point. The Alcohol Tipping Point is a podcast for you to find tips, tools and thoughts to change your drinking. Whether you're ready to quit forever or a week, this is a the place for you. You are not stuck and you can change. Let's get started.
[00:00:44] Speaker B: Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate you. I want to take a sec to invite you to the next Alcohol a Day. It's a monthly dry group where I help people practice not drinking. This is for you if you feel like you're struggling, if you feel like you're stuck, if you feel like you're broken, you're never going to get it. I want to just support you and arm you with lots of different tools to battle cravings.
Work on your thinking about drinking. Be more kind and compassionate to yourself as you're doing this. You know drinking is a habit and it's probably something you've done for years or decades even so it takes a while to unwind it. And that's why I'm so passionate about focusing on practicing not drinking. Working on progress, not perfection. I love the saying focus on the direction, not perfection. And I think it's important just to have these types of groups programs that just give you a safe place that has no shame, no judgment. A safe place where you can just learn new tools and just start unwinding the habit so that it gets easier and easier for you to drink less or, or not at all. I would, I would love to have you join the next Alcohol a Day. It starts the first of every month. As a podcast listener, you always get 20% off by using the code LOVE L O V E and it is hosted on a private platform. It is a HIPAA protected platform. It's really important to me as a nurse just to have privacy in a safe place for you. And what you get is daily emails, lessons, accountability. You get lots and lots of tools to battle cravings. You get a really detailed guidebook journal to help you out during those 30 days, 31 days, whatever the length of the month is. And then you get downloadable audio meditations, just something to go to when you're Feeling a craving. We also do weekly group chats, weekly group support calls led by me and another sober coach twice a week. And then there's also a private chat where you can just share with others, support others and it's just a great place to practice not drinking. The cost is $89 US dollars. That is so it's less than $3 a day. Plus use that L O V E code to get your discount. And just a little background on me. I have been a registered nurse.
I'm a board certified health coach. I'm a smart recovery certified facilitator, an addiction certified mental health Prof. Professional. I'm a mindfulness instructor. And then you all know I like to call myself an alcohol free badass. I've been alcohol free for four and a half years now. So I would love to see you in the next group. You can sign up@alcohol tippingpoint.com alcoholiday and join there. I also will link it in my show notes. Wherever you are with your drinking journey, just know that I am rooting for you, that you are not broken and you can change. Thanks so much.
[00:04:15] Speaker A: Welcome to the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast. Today on the show I have Caroline Evers Endicott. She is a UK based addictions and integrative psychotherapist with a Master's degree in Addiction Psychology. She also is trained in compassion Inquiry under Gabor Mate. Caroline divides her time between clinical practice and teaching, focusing on emotional health and wellbeing for groups and organizations in the addictions and sober curious fields. And she has been kind enough to join us on her holiday today, which is just perfect for us because we're actually going to be talking about navigating the holiday season without falling into the boozing trap. Without falling into drinking. So thank you for joining the podcast, Caroline.
[00:05:06] Speaker C: So good to be here on my holiday.
Exactly.
[00:05:10] Speaker A: Yeah. The holiday is more of a vacation. And then the holiday we're talking about is really specifically towards the end of the year for us, getting into Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then New Year's. I think you called it the silly season.
I love, I love that silly season. Yeah.
But before we get started, can you just share a little bit about yourself, how you got into this, this field that you're so passionate about, the addictions, the psychotherapy, all of that.
[00:05:45] Speaker C: Yes, it's, it's been a journey for me. So it comes with in two ways really. It's my own, my own stopping drinking as it were. My alcohol, alcohol free badass time as you call it. Yeah, you know, stopping Drinking for me is six and a half years ago and with a bam with me that came out of nowhere. I was on a retreat and suddenly somebody suggested, hey, maybe you should look at your drinking. And I did and I stopped. And it, and it went from there and you know, listening to anybody's stories, you know, you go through curiosity, you go through euphoria, you go through success and then wondering. But you know, you get the momentum as you do in this and you know, six and a half years later, I don't regret a moment, not not drinking as it were.
And so that's my experience of it and, and it worked for me and I know it's going to continue to work alongside that also lived experience, if you like, came at the same time something. So that was, that was a very positive experience for me, but was something very sad because I lost my ex husband, the who, the father of my child who was very ill with alcohol related diseases. And I accompanied him through the last months and so on in his life. And that was, you know, that's a, that's a very stark, you know, changing point in one's life and it actually catapulted me into becoming, rethinking my life as it were, both on the, you know, my own health, my own well being and so on, but also knowing that I could possibly do something.
And from that I guess we all come into the field somehow through some experience of our life and that was mine of wanting, knowing that I could do something, knowing I had to say something, knowing that I can bring something to the field. And I was interested and I was also grief stricken. But yeah, that was my start of thinking I'm going to have a career change. I'm going to start in the addictions field and then going on to the sober curies and so on. So yeah, it's been quite a journey and an interesting one and yeah, where my passion still lies and hence wanting to keep the dialogue going. And you know, this is now almost seven years ago and of course the sober field has come along a way, right? Sober movement, sober curious, the podcasts out there, the materials out that, the tools for people, the help groups have expanded not only in the uk, I know, but you know, Europe wide and in the US as well. So it's still an interesting topic and it's still one that needs to be discussed in my opinion.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry for your loss and I just want to say congratulations to you on six and a half Years Almost seven years alcohol free. That's awesome.
And thank you for coming on the show.
And just this is an episode to help people who are struggling during the holiday season. They're struggling with, maybe they have grief, they're struggling with, they're struggling with drinking and whatnot. So I wanted to pick your brain and just get some of your top advice as far as navigating this holiday season. Being alcohol free.
[00:09:20] Speaker C: Yes, pick away. It's a big topic.
It's a big topic and lots of people concern themselves with it, obviously.
[00:09:29] Speaker A: Yeah, they do. They do. Okay, well, I have some, some top questions. So one of the things that comes up is dealing with other people. So that may be our family, our friends, and sometimes we're dealing with people who are drinking pushers or they're concerned about our drinking or, you know, we're concerned about their drinking. So I guess in that kind of category of other people. What is some of your advice with dealing with other people during the holiday season?
[00:10:04] Speaker C: Yeah, so with our, if we want to walk into the holiday season, you know, people might have, might have had some experience of having time off alcohol or being alcohol free for a while or wanting to step into that. And obviously, you know, this, this is where between sober October, November and then going into, you know, your, your Thanksgiving and obviously that, the holiday season and then possibly landing into dry January. So people might, might have already had some experience of, hey, I like that. I might have already gotten some alcohol free time or reducing and so on and that might spur them on to go into, hey, do you know what? I don't want to make this a alcohol free Christmas. And I want to make this a real holiday, as you call it. Real good one. So that's, that's a good motivator for people, for example, to step into questioning friends, you know, people that are saying, hey, you alcohol free? What's all this about? I know you as a big boozer. It's a good jumping board for people who have already had experience with it to say, do you know what? I've had this, I did this for, I don't know, a week, ten days a month. And I really like it. I like the way it makes me feel. I like the way I have clarity. I jump out of bed in the morning. I like and I want to have, I want to continue that.
So there's, you know, maybe somebody who has already experienced and wants to tell people about that. So that's, that's one thing. If somebody wants to be honest about and say, I'm I'm gonna carry on with this. Oh, I'm on a hundred day spree and I don't want to give that up. Right. So this is where you've got questioning people saying what's all this about? Maybe you were ready to say, do you know what? I share this experience with somebody.
So there's, there's already, you know, leading into a experience. Somebody who's a little bit more hesitant maybe I'm not quite sure whether or not they succeed.
There may be maybe wanting to maybe hold back from other people a little bit and just try, try it out themselves in their own home. They might, they might not go out as much. They might connect themselves with people maybe that bit more understanding, for example with sober buddies or with a good friend or with their partner and say look, I'm just stepping into this. So I'm holding myself in a space where I'm not exposed that much to other people that might question me.
So it's knowing your, it's knowing you're thinking about the people that you're going to meet over the holidays and thinking about the people where you want to be as well. Right. That make you feel comfortable in whatever choice you make.
However, you're quite right that we might always find we come up against. Yeah. Drink pushes and it's a much discussed topic. Right. And that also depends on how confident you feel in yourself. So you know, if I, if I, from my point of view, I've been long, I've been long sober, I might go and say do you know what? I don't drink, thanks very much and I'm not going to have this conversation. Or I might push back and say, well why do you drink? But that comes from somebody who's got what I call is the strong alcohol, you know, alcohol free legs. Somebody might not be. It's about a spina surf around it.
So if you, if you have a drinks pusher you could go with something like. And that's what many people do and the women, particularly the women I work with, I work in sort of women's circles that going into their alcohol journey they go with non negotiables. For example, I'm driving, always a good one. And then make sure you're driving. Right. Why not? Because that gives you something, you don't need to explain anything, everybody understands that. Or I've got the kids with me, for example. And that, that obviously goes for, for fathers and mothers, whatever.
Or something else as well that makes, where people really can't argue with you and go just the one or they're going, no, come on. And you're always going to be the soul is, look, I want to have a clear head in the morning. Well, I've got a lot on my plate. I've got a lot on at work. They're almost the sort of, you know, people can't really say that much about that.
If you, if you have somebody that keeps on pushing, you might want to. So you might want to think up ahead who's at the party, who's at the do works dues particularly and yeah, decide when on your, you want to step into these conversations. If you, if you're going into somewhere where there will be a huge amount of booze, people are continuously drinking, continually pushing. Well, let's think about whether or not want to go there. If you have to, you can say, look, I'm just here for a couple of hours and no, I won't drink today.
You know what, we're going into a big season and for today is not for me.
That is if you're certain about that you're not drinking. If you're not sure, then again think about who you've got with you, whether or not you've got a buddy with you or you avoid. It's often the case if we think about parties, right, or social gatherings, it will probably only be the first drink that people go, come on, just the one, let's go and push that one. You can maybe negotiate either bring your own drink or get your own drink from the bar. Some people make it, some people even make it look like as if it's like if you get a tonic water, nobody knows it's not a gin and tonic, for example. People get alcohol free options. Nobody knows. It's not, it's not a, you know, full on beer. So you sometimes only have to overcome the first half an hour or so of a gathering, right? And after that if people, people forget about what other people drink, they don't care. People who start drinking don't care what other people drink after a while because what they do is they keep on drinking. So you kind of have to, you kind of have to negotiate, negotiate the first half an hour, which takes a little time and it takes a bit of practice, which is why it's always having some, you know, a wing, wingman, wing woman with you. But it does take practice.
And so it takes a little bit of planning. And that also goes into the how do we plan for these things? Do I stay? Do I arrive on time? Do I become before where everybody else Do I bring my own drinks? Do I say I'm going to only go to a couple of hours and show my face?
Do I order the taxi or get the car back home? So really be prepared for it? Basically, you might even sometimes the people I work with, we do a little interaction of how might you say that sits good with you? You know, think about what sits good with me. I know some people go, well, I'm onto antibiotics and I can't, it's fine, you know, whatever works for you, works for you. That you can say with confidence, I'm not drinking today and I don't want to or even pushing back, look, don't push me on this. I'm just having, I'm just on a trial period here. So it's what. Where the confidence zone is for people and you might want to try it. Your assertiveness in that if people are concerned, if you're concerned about somebody else's drinking, then you might identify that maybe with yourself, right? If people have in the past identified with you or you cannot identify with people saying, hey, are you drinking a bit too much? And you know, you don't want to hear it.
It's in the phase where you're not. Where you haven't quite recognized that you've got a problem with it or where you should really cut down and you know, when you simply don't sort of. It's called the pre contemplation period where we're really not recognizing that there's a problem for whatever reason. Maybe, maybe the consequences haven't been as serious as yet or they haven't been as stark or we don't see them as serious. And that's also the, that's also the time when we don't want to talk about any change and the time where we really don't want any advice. And you know, I guess anybody who's contemplating that, whether or not the change it or thinking of, you know, ourselves or have changed that habit, we can all identify with that period. Right? Of nah, you know, nothing wrong with me or whatever. No, I don't have a problem. So if you are concerned about somebody who drinks too much, know that they might not want to hear from you, but also let them know that you can, you know, invite them to brunch instead of dinner, go out to the cinema with them instead of a boozy, whatever, provide opportunity for them to not drink if you're really concerned about them and make yourself available with love and with companionship and with fun, make yourself available to them. There might, there might be a phase where they then go into, you know what I'm, I'm really feeling, I think I'm drinking too much. That's when people suddenly went, that's when you can listen into ah, I hear you. Hey, do you know what? I've tried this thing last year or that did this thing last month. Do you want to try this out with me and invite people to come along? And that's when people get open maybe to the negotiation on maybe changing or even contemplating changing their behavior. That's when you can exchange ideas with people. That's when they might listen, listen when they're, when they say, when they say poor I have, I think I might have to change something. That's when people listen when they go clamp up.
There's nothing we, anybody can do other than being available for maybe non boozy stuff. So we kind of need to gauge where people are at and I think from own experience we can probably judge that as to, you know, who we are, who we are speaking to and who, where we might be able to influence or where people might be able to listen to us or where they think we are of useful help or where we not. Because if somebody doesn't want to change or doesn't see a problem, you will go, it'll be falling on deaf ears and then you will expend more energy on them. Even if you're worried about them, then it might be helpful and they might close up to you altogether.
So yeah, that's that. Being open, being listening into somebody and being available. And that's the same for us. That's the same I guess as a person who wants to give up drinking, you know, seeking out those people that might be available for sports rather than boozing up down the pub that might want to do early, meeting early rather than going for late. I don't, you know, club nights or something. Depends what age you're at or you know, doing something with the kids or doing something in a group that's more about sports or some or some other non boozy activity.
So it's, yeah, it's feeling into knowing the people around you, having a thought of who you're with and who's a good person to be with in your early sobriety or stepping into it. And also if somebody, if you're concerned about something, how you can support them with the knowledge that you have or with the ideas that you have gently and lovingly.
[00:21:10] Speaker A: Yeah, thank you, thank you for all that.
That was a lot of advice. But I really appreciate that, you know, for yourself reminding yourself like you, you don't owe your story to everyone and not everyone deserves to hear your story and having a simple go to explanation or just like I don't drink, I'm not drinking, I'm not drinking tonight. Like you could just leave it at that. And even not going to some of these things, that's still an option.
And you had a whole bunch of other things listed there. And then supporting those when we are concerned about their drinking, it can be like a fine balance. The fine dance there, like you said, because you can't change anyone. Like you just. Which is so hard. Right. You can't change anyone who wants to be changed. And probably you went through a lot of that with your ex husband and his own journey with drinking, unfortunately. Yeah.
[00:22:11] Speaker C: Yeah. And that you know, and sometimes it's hard to see. Right. But if people can't see their consequences for whatever reason, then you. You might actually push them. This is the problem. You might actually push them away if you keep on nagging. How you drinking too much. Hey, I'm concerned about you. Hey, what was that about yesterday? You're also shaming people. I remember one of your episodes where you're talking about the shame and the dance and the drama. It's like then you might push people away. Whereas where you as a, you know, as a partner or a friend or a colleague or whatever, you might be more helpful when you are in a supporting role.
Even though you might. You so wish to wanting to jump and hey, stop it. And I tell you, I can tell you how.
[00:22:54] Speaker A: Right, right.
[00:22:56] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: Which is also out of a place of love, but out of love and fear and just. You know, I'd like to go back to the whole Mel Robbins always says like let them.
Just let them. Like if someone's gonna do. Someone's gonna drink, if someone's gonna criticize you, if someone's gonna. Whatever it is. Like let them. Like you really need to focus on your own path. Stay in your own lane.
Which can be hard. Which can be really hard.
[00:23:26] Speaker C: Yeah. But yeah, as you say, because it all comes out of compassion for others. Right. And wishing. And particularly when you've got some. Something to say, then you want to say it.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: But yeah, totally.
[00:23:36] Speaker C: And I guess that comes with the. Also comes with the sobriety is like becoming aware of yourself and how you are with other people and how you are. Yeah. In yourself. So that in early sobriety that's sometimes surprising. Right. That how we are influencing other people on. Or. Or how we are sometimes short or shop with other people and so on. It comes with a lot of self knowledge as, as we, as we step into that.
[00:24:02] Speaker A: Yeah, well, what a lot of people.
So that was kind of like the other people side of things in the holidays because we tend to socialize more but a lot of people just find like oh, this time of year is really dark. There's just a lot more stress. It's just extra planning for the hol. So much holiday related stress. There's also loneliness there. What are some other ways that we can cope when we are feeling that stress, that loneliness instead of turning to drinking? Because for a lot of people it's just something that they've done home alone. They're more likely to do it alone than in the social setting. So what are your tips around that side of things?
[00:24:49] Speaker C: Yeah, I guess it comes from two sides. So one is stress with the holidays. Christmas comes either from what the expectations of others are. Right. Of it's gotta be perfect, it's gotta be fun. It's gonna be all the stars and all the trimmings. Right. And it doesn't have to be perfect. We don't have to make everybody happy all the time with all the presence in the world with a wonderful spread for days on end. It doesn't have to be perfect. So that's one side of where it's the exuberance and the. Where we all get swept away and you know, and yet another meet other than a gathering or yet another giving presents to all these people or these people around it to make, to please everybody. This is the pleasing piece. Right. We need to become aware of that who we pleasing actually and for what reason and what's expected of us. And I think it's, it's thinking ahead of what.
Yeah, thinking ahead as much as we would possibly plan. So if you want to change something this year, as much as we would plan for an ongoing feast or ongoing celebrations, that exhausts a lot of people and there's so much pressure on, on many. Right. What do I actually want from that? And sometimes it's, it's worth, you know, the circles I speak with. Sometimes people take it back to basics of what is this time about? It's about being with my loved ones. And it's about maybe it's yes, it's dark outside, maybe it's cold outside, depending where you are in the world. And okay, so let's make something at home. Let's be at home together, play the games, do the crafts, do you know, winter sports also Going out and stuff. Right. What does. What does winter make for me? What does it make it special? How does it make it special? The. The Danish have the. The idea of Hygge, which is the making comfortable, making cozy, being indoors, you know, in the sort of dark season. Season. Okay.
[00:26:55] Speaker B: Make.
[00:26:55] Speaker C: Let's make candles and. And get into the senses of things. Right. The. The baking and the cooking and the smelling and the. Yeah. With crafts, you know. Right. Work with our hands with material. So that's. That's when we've got people around us. But we want to make it simple. We want to make it about simple pleasures of the togetherness of the social. Of being with our loved ones in comfort and maybe stepping away from a little bit from the exuberance and maybe some of the commercialism that we so really thinking through. What the. What does this mean to me? Well, it just means to be with. Maybe it's just my immediate family. And, you know, we're gonna. This year, we're not gonna invite the whole family. We might keep it simple. I know that's not easy, but sometimes we can just say, look, we want to make it simple this year and we want to make it about. And maybe it's not about giving all the presents and spending all the money, but it's about having an experience together, having new experiences together. I remember my aunt once did Christmas. They all went on a. They all went and took her. They gave each other first aid course. So the whole family went on first aid and that was their Christmas. And that's been together learning something new, you know, this kind of stuff. And it's also. Sometimes it's also around maybe if you're not. And this is a little bit connected with. If you are Christians, that you connect to the Christian, Christian side of things. Does that mean this is. Of course, it's a. It's a festivity of joy. Right. The crisis born, but also the giving and helping other people. There might be something in that. Volunteering, going out in the community. Where can I be of service? Where can I share my joy? Where can I be shared by others? So that's maybe tapping into the religious part of things. But all when you're not religious, coming into. What is the season about? It's about if we think of the four seasons, Winter, it's about maybe, you know, if we think of spring, something spudding, something new. In winter, we're sort of collecting, maybe being a bit more quiet, maybe sensing, like I said, going into the senses, listening to music, having gorgeous walks. In the nature. Go out into nature. I responded here now in a big way of people that have got other people around them and have loved ones, right? And lucky enough to have those around them. For people that might be in grief because they have lost, it's a landmark for them.
It might be around remembering. It might be around connecting to their grief and getting support with that as well. It might be. It might be a time to get help. Asking for help because Christmas or the holidays, again, a little bit on the regular side is about helping others and coming together as a community or people who are on their own, right. And drinking it. That might also need consideration of how will I not be alone? Who. Who else is alone out there? And I. I have that in. In some of the discussion groups where people actually come together either volunteering again to be out in the community and being with others that are like them, maybe because that. Maybe because they're alone.
I remember when I first got divorced, I volunteered for a whole Christmas in a homeless shelter. And that was my thing that was giving back. Tapped a lot of things, right? It's compassion. It's helping other people. It helped myself and, you know, and for people who alone at Christmas, it might be around who are the others out there who are like me?
Where and. Or where can I get help? I know it's not easy for people to ask for help, but where can I get help or where can I be that makes it more bearable on one hand, more enjoyable, or where I can be of joy. Because everybody brings something. Everybody has something to. To give or to bring.
So maybe what I'm advocating is really planning a little bit ahead of what's. Rather than putting the head in the sand or the snow of, oh God, this is Christmas again. I don't like it. And I. And I just want to get through it. That's another thing, you know, making. Making it their own. And I'm going through Christmas and maybe I write, start the book. I always wanted to write or write or do the poetry or play my guitar for. For this period, because that's just my thing. So it's. What I'm saying is planning ahead, thinking ahead with a bit of courage from both sides, right? One is from the family side if we have people in the other white, the other one, if we are on our own. Is there somebody else like that? Is there somebody I can ask? Is there somebody I want to be have with me? Is there somebody I can be with in order to have a different experience?
Does that make sense?
[00:31:43] Speaker A: Thank you yeah. And thank you for speaking to both sides of things. And I kind of fall on that perfectionism, people pleasing and just making the holidays extra. And it never feels like enough, like, oh, I better get more presents for my teens or whatever that looks like. And so really examining, like, okay, what does this season mean to me? What do I want to get out of this holiday? How do I want to show up? What does it look like? And so taking the time to kind of answer those questions and then on the loneliness side, like finding other ways to connect and alternative ways. And it is this season, probably more than any other season, there are more opportunities to volunteer and help other people. It seems like it is.
[00:32:39] Speaker C: And it's actually, it might even be indignation of tapping into what. Where we don't normally, like when we go about every other hour our normal day, we don't look as to what's around us. Right. We don't, we don't necessarily look up and, you know, who are my neighbours and who's down the high street or whatever. So it's okay. Let me think about, is there the library? I just had a phone call from somebody earlier from my community. We are doing this. Yeah. Putting clothes together and puzzles together and so on, calling into the community. Maybe somebody who's got an idea over bringing people together themselves and therefore be the center of that. And you know, what is immediately around me, is there, is there the libraries? I don't know, an elder people home, Is there somebody I can bake for or whatever. There's so much creativity in that of what we can do. Of course, it depends on the person, whether or not they've got the, the energy, the impetus to the wishing and confidence in themselves to do that. But there's, of course, it's the time where people are giving and receptive of both. And it might be the first time in somebody's life where they step out and go, yeah, I'm gonna go and play the piano in a children's home or whatever, or in a hospital or whatever it is, it's tapping into the Internet is a great thing in that. And social media is a great thing in that where we can gather ideas around that.
[00:34:03] Speaker A: Yeah, good point. Google it.
Well, going back to alcohol and the drinking, what are some of your top tips for when you actually have a drinking craving?
[00:34:16] Speaker C: Oh, straight down there, right?
Drinking craving. Yeah. Drinking craving. So drinking craving is that urge, that desire to do whatever we said we're not going to do. I want to have a drink. I want to have a Smoke, whatever it is. So there's. There's two. Two things to consider there. One is in the moment when we've got the craving. So craving is a nurture. So it's a need in the moment. A craving comes and goes. And I know, you know, as alcohol practitioners, we all talk about it. Cravings have their momentums, their start. There's a momentum. I'm doing all these hand actions, nobody can see me. But it's like a mountain, like a wave. Many people talk about a wave. And then it absorbs, right? So feeling an urge coming on. So it's what we can do in the moment when we have a nudge, oh, my gosh, I just want to drink. Is in the moment, is we can pivot, we can take the other direction. We can pivot and do the opposite. Meaning we can distract ourselves, we can walk away from it. Literally walk away. And I'll talk about in a moment, in terms of sports, we can pivot away and maybe have, you know, a lot of water. Lots of. It's about some of the action that comes with it. Drinking and having. Maybe we're thirsty, we just need a drink as a dehydration, right? So it's one is pivoting. Do the opposite action or distract yourself from it. The urge will go. It might come and come back again, but in the moment it will go. And the more people dive into that and know about their urges and rather than their cravings, they can learn to go with them in a sort of way.
People also. There's, of course, breathing techniques. So when we have a craving, it's the nervous system talking to us. We might be in an agitated state or we might be in a very low state. So using breathing techniques to ground ourselves and learning those. So deep diaphragmatic breathing puts the nervous system back into its rest and digest. That means we can also think better. So when we in an anxious state or in a very depressed state, our cognition doesn't work as well. Through breathing techniques and grounding techniques, we can learn those. And of course, again, going back to the Internet, thank God, there's so many apps out there that you can. On a button, you can just press and find the right one that guides you through. You don't even have to remember, is it four in and six out or whatever. Whatever it was. Or is it, you know, yeah, whatever techniques. Or is it. Am I. Am I doing grounding you just press the button, Find the one for you and press the button. Go, let me, somebody else. Let me guide through Let somebody else guide me through this.
So that's in the moment.
Of course what you can also do. So that's sort of body practices if you like. Of course you can also distract through, get into sports, go and punch, go and punch the bag, go for a run, take bodily, also take a cold shower. So changing the state of where you are at taking a substance means we're changing the state that we are in. So not taking the substance, just doing something else to changing the state that we are in. So doing sports, get your endorphins going, makes you feel happy, boost your energy again, change body temperature. It might even be just cold, cold hands or take a cold shower, take a shower together. So that's sort of on the, in the instant, right? Also that comes with, that also comes with having practices in your back pocket as the further you go along on the, on the cognitive side in terms of reminding yourself what your goals were. Why am I doing this? Why did I think of that in the first place?
Why did I, what do I want? What are my reasons? My reasons are I want to be healthy, I want to be clear headed, I want to whatever it is, I want to run around after my kids, I want to be able to drive, I want to get after this promotion, I need to be sober for the next month. Whatever your goals are, keep them in your back pocket and remind yourself of that. And also imagine there's also imagination that we can do. What would it look like if I was sober next week, next month? Then I would be like, so imagine the person that you've become, that you want to be opposite is what would happen if I now picked up a drink and play it forward. So there's, there's two ways of going about that. The other, the other part of course also comes with the planning. You know, I'm tapped into that earlier in terms of planning for, for events and so on.
When we have an urge that might come in, you know, that might come through triggers, that means we're surrounded by alcohol, we're surrounded by people that are drinking. Know your triggers. Is it at a certain time of day?
Is it around when I get home from work? I'm stressed and I need to wind down. Is it the 6 o'clock wine witch or whatever people that is, that's when the urge comes. All right, how do I work with that? Is it around when you're cooking? When I always, when I cook, I always have a glass of wine. Of course you're going to have an urge because it's a Habit. So how are you going to. Maybe you cook ahead, maybe you cook earlier, maybe you put the. Cook the slow cooker on. You know, working with the triggers that bring you urges, thinking ahead, having healthy alternatives. You know, alcohol free, you know, big discussion now of alcohol free drinks, different drinks. What's your favorite drink? Are they cold drinks? Are there hot drinks? So preparing for it as well as of course as ever having support. You can call when you have an urge, when you've been triggered. Who are the people you're going to call? Who are the people you're going to tap into? Or what are you going to tap into? Is it loud music? Is it calling by my best mate? Is it writing down I'm feeling shit but f. Why I'm craving? Just write it out, what's happening, it's okay.
And as you know, you know, it's different. People have different stuff, but it's, there's different practices. Some of it are pre planned, some of it in the moment that we can literally put our little toolkit together of how we deal with urges.
That's in a, in a nutshell. There's obviously lots more.
[00:40:38] Speaker A: Well, yeah, no, I appreciate the just the tangent tangible tips. Just a reminder again, like they're having like your sober toolkit having things you can go to that are really quick in your back pocket. I've love, I just love the HALT analogy because it's easy to remember that like okay, I. When you notice that you're having that craving, when you notice that you want a drink just to slow down enough and just pause and say like oh, that's interesting. Just to observe it like oh, I notice I'm having the craving to drink or I'm having the thought I want to drink and then go through the HALT acronym like why am I actually hungry?
And a lot of times it's just the low blood sugar. And also to your point earlier, like it might just be that you're thirsty and you're dehydrated, so have a big glass of water and have a snack. And you know, it could be related to being anxious or with the anxiety, the stress, the holiday stress. So what can you do to address that? And you went through some grounding techniques and some movement and then the L in hall is loneliness. So maybe you need to reach out to someone. Maybe you're looking for that sense of belonging and, and we talked about that before too. How can we address that? Whether that's through a friend or volunteering or be, you know, doing some meaning, making something like that, and then the T is tired. We might just be tired and need to rest. I was thinking when you were talking about what do our different seasons mean? And I kind of think, well, like falls, like letting go. And then I think of winter as a season of rest.
But even with rest, sometimes we were not able to take a nap.
It's just not realistic all the time. But maybe it looks like moving your body to, like, reinvigorate you. And you mentioned that and whatever sport, sporting. I use sporting in quotes because I'm not a sporty gal, but I will get my walk on. But the other thing, I've kind of been rethinking emotions and like, sitting with emotions, where we always say that, like, just sit with it. Sit with your emotion and feel it and let it move through you. But I think that is hard to do. And sometimes we need to move to process the emotion, whether that's the walking or yoga or dancing or crying. Like, crying is a way to move emotions through you. So, yeah, thank you. Thank you for all those craving tips.
[00:43:17] Speaker C: Yeah. And the emotions, of course. Yeah. And that's. That's a hard one, isn't it? Because we are learning that in early sobriety, suddenly with our emotions, like they say, the good news is you're feeling your emotions. The bad news is you're feeling your emotions. So that's. It's certainly a learning curve, isn't it? And yeah, certainly letting, Letting, cry and getting rid of the toxins that way.
Yes, yes, if you can allow yourself that. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:43:44] Speaker A: And, well, for people who do, and you know, maybe their goal is to be completely alcohol free for the holidays, but they. They end up drinking. What is your advice? How do you handle setbacks?
[00:43:59] Speaker C: Setbacks, yeah. So I guess. I guess with stepping into it, we can kind of set ourselves, you know, be clear about our goals. For one, do I want to be abstinent or do I want to reduce? And one doesn't exclude the other necessarily. Right. If we. If we go into I want to be abstinent and then we reduce, that's a win. Because where alcohol is concerned, the less is more. Right. And. And equally, if we start to reduce and then go into, do you know what? That's not working for me. I'm gonna go sober. Abstinent, fine. You know, but when you're saying setbacks, you know, clinical word lapse or relapses, it's. We always learning from that. What was it that tripped me up? Let's look at it. So for one, as ever, compassion Be compassionate and do not throw the towel in. That's the one thing. It's like, just because you've had a drink and you said you wouldn't have a drink doesn't mean you don't have to, you know, oh, I might as well throw it all out overboard and go and have a good old binge. No, sit back. Almost like you said, sit back and sit with it. What happened there? If you can be honest, and I'm talking, you know, I know that's not easy, which is why it's so important that we have support with this, whether or not it's a group or through a counselor or through good friend or whatever. What happened? Okay, let me look. What did I learn from that? When I have a setback, I didn't do as I wanted to. Let's walk through it together. And how can I make that different next time? You know, and there might be a good reason, you know, overwhelming. We're talking about, you know, the season. It's stressful, It's a high expectation. It might be lonely, it might be overload. And people at the end of the year as well, people are exhausted, you know, and. And I'm thinking, you know, in the States, you don't get as many vacations as the Europeans do. You know, it's the end of the year, people are knackered, so are the kids. So give yourself a break and then step into it again. Be kind, be reflective, and start again. Maybe tweaking something, maybe abstinence isn't for you and you kind of need to reduce. And then you look at how you do that with maybe with somebody else, or you read up a guide or you speak to somebody, or maybe this. Look, I just give myself another couple of days of alcohol now and see how that goes.
So being kind, being reflective, don't throw the towel in.
Start again. And that's so many women, so many people that I work with in groups and so on. They, you know, the group support is vital in that because we've all been there, we've all done it. It's not the end of the world. We can start again, and we start with a fresh view and we start with more experience. Some people say it's true.
The best thing is to. Yeah. And be honest about it as well. Right. That's the other thing. And not. Not sort of. Yeah. Hide it. That. That. That's difficult. That makes it difficult. Yeah. Like I say, with.
Doesn't have to be one or the other. Doesn't have to be abstinence. Doesn't have to be reducing. It can be just to be taken a drop taking break with alcohol, the less is more.
[00:47:17] Speaker A: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. It's just a reminder, like we're not here to shame you into sobriety either. You know, less drinking less is to be applauded and that's really hard. And, and yeah, my end goal would always be to encourage people to be alcohol free just for your health. I like to take that stance as a nurse. I'm like, more and more. I'm like, okay, none would be awesome goal. But less, that is awesome too. And that should be applauded and celebrated too. And, and going back to like your kind self compassion point, like that is actually going to help you be more successful along the way. You know, when you can be on your own team, when you are rooting for yourself, like, this is hard and you can do hard things, you are capable of this. Get back on track. We like to say like, so you drink again, like get back on it, you know, tits up. We say tits up as in like march forward, focus forward. You still learn from every time you have a drink, what triggered it, what happened. And then you can apply that next time.
[00:48:33] Speaker C: Yeah. And you come with more armor or more tools or, you know. Yeah, absolutely. Actually, you just mentioned something there as well. You know, the celebration of every part of what you're learning along the way. Right. Every time, every time you do not drink, every time we reduce. Every time you feel better, every time you've got a milestone. It's so important that women to be celebrating ourselves, enjoying ourselves and what we do and having other people celebrate with us and going, yeah, bumps up. That is amazing. You know, last year you didn't do that. Last month you didn't do that. Last week you were, you know, celebrating. Make a note of it, keep track record. It's all good stuff. And of course, as practitioners and as anybody from the medical or psychological profession would say, Absalom is the best for all of us. There's no doubt about it, it's a toxin. But however close you can get to that, yay. Thumbs up from any, from anybody with all the benefits that come with that. Right?
[00:49:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I think, I think that's such a good reminder because we're kind of focusing on how hard it is and what we're giving up. And you know, it's a reminder like the direction that you're going and just the benefits of drinking less or not at all and how that is such a gift to your mental and physical health. Like what a good holiday gift.
[00:50:01] Speaker C: Yeah. The biggest gift of all, maybe. Yeah, that's true. You know, the benefits are endless.
[00:50:09] Speaker A: Well, what else would you add? What else do you think we should cover for just having a successful holiday season? Navigating it, being alcohol free? What, what have we missed? What do we need to add?
[00:50:25] Speaker C: What do we need to add? See, I think also highlighting that it's different for everybody, that it's, you know, what works for one person might not work for the other. So it's reminding yourself of what works for you. And that's not only on the alcohol free side, but also going back to the whole, how do we manage holiday season? How do we manage that stress? What works for you, what is important for you? And how do you know, how do you communicate that to your families and friends and those around you? But also remember that you know that if you step into alcohol free and even tapping into it and early, you will radiate the benefits. You will be the one who makes the change and you will be infectious with that joy and that passion and the, you know what, I'm having such a good time here, you know, or I really need. All the other hand is I really need your help over here. Can you, can we just all be in this together? Just this time, just for the two weeks in December or just for December or you know, coming to January, so really pulling on to togetherness. And if, if you already stepped into and if you have already had experience of being sober, you know, all the benefits, the physical, the mental, the emot, the, you know, the self concept, the identity, the joy is and clarity and on all the benefits that come with that. So celebrating that and reminding ourselves what works for us, works for us and that's what we're gonna continue doing. And what doesn't work, then we, you know, don't need to, don't need to try that again. And that is both on the alcohol free side or alcohol reducing side as well as within your life altogether, in particular around Christmas, it ought. It's a celebration of joy. It's a celebration of togetherness. Make it work for you. Nobody can tell you how to.
And if you need to tip the shippers upside down, maybe and if they need to go back to how it was last year, but you know, for this one, let's have a difference, make a difference.
[00:52:33] Speaker A: Yeah, and I think you will.
[00:52:34] Speaker C: Other people will pick up on it. If you are happy, if you're joyous, if you are calm and maybe reflect, if you said you Know the season and what, what is it? It's a calm season, it's a close season. Then you will also, others will notice that and you will it take, it has a ripple effect. You know, if I, if I touch five, if I, I am happy and I'm sober, I will touch five other people with that serenity, whatever you want to call it. So yeah, I think it's a. And that's also giving. Right, so the season of giving.
[00:53:05] Speaker A: Yeah, I think it's a reminder of just finding the joy of the season, finding the joy of being alcohol free. And just for people listening, they probably had a lot of holidays where you've drank, you've probably had years, decades of drinking. So think of this as an experience or an experiment to practice not drinking, to see how it feels to have a sober Thanksgiving, alcohol free Christmas. You know, we think that, oh, the drinking's helping make it easier, but it's actually making it harder because I can't tell you how many hungover Christmas mornings I had that were wretched. And now it's like, oh, now I can enjoy Christmas Eve putting out the stockings, making some cookies for Santa and then getting up early, early in the morning, like actually enjoying the time that we have off and having the energy, the clarity that comes with being alcohol free. Just really leaning into the benefits there.
[00:54:15] Speaker C: Really leaning into the benefits, yes. Even they're getting up early. I've got more time, I've got more presence. I can be with the kids without being irritated and do whatever they want and I don't mind.
Isn't it wonderful? You know, and taking all that in in your own time and enjoy.
[00:54:34] Speaker A: Exactly, yeah, yeah. To see how fun you can make it. That's your challenge.
[00:54:40] Speaker C: That is your challenge.
And let them know, let get them to let us know how much fun they will have when they're doing all of this. Discovery. Discovery of fun.
[00:54:53] Speaker A: Well, it's like being a kid again. I, I feel like I think of these things kind of like sober bucket list, like, oh, this is my first of Thanksgiving as an adult. This is my first sober Christmas as an adult. First sober New Year's, like really challenge it and come at it with a beginner's mindset. It's like I said, it's like, it's like you get a do over. You get experiencing experience these different events in a new way, different than you have in a long, long time. And, and sometimes it sucks, but most of the time it turns out pretty cool. Pretty cool.
[00:55:29] Speaker C: Yes. And that's what most people Many people report in the end, it's, it's, it's fine, it's doable. I come through it or it was the most amazing time I've ever had. All of them are probably better than putting after all toxin in you and suffering the consequences of that.
[00:55:49] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Well, Caroline, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your tips for the holidays. How can people find you?
[00:55:58] Speaker C: I'm. You can find me on Instagram. My site is called See Change Therapy. That's C E E, that's my initials, Change Therapy. Or on my website also c e e change.com if I want to get in contact or have any comment on this or want to talk about alcohol free or sobriety or anything in between. I work with people, you know, after they've become sober and there's a bit more depth to be had as a therapist, obviously. Or just any tips or anything they have to say or ask. Yeah. Contact me. Love to hear from you.
[00:56:37] Speaker A: Well, thank you. Thank you so much. I hope you have a very happy holiday season.
[00:56:43] Speaker C: You too. Thank you so much for having me, Deb. It's brilliant.
[00:56:49] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast. Please share and review the show so you can help other people too. I want you to know I'm always here for you. So please reach out and talk to me on Instagram Alcohol Tipping Point. And check out my website, alcoholtippingpoint.com for free resources and help. No matter where you are on your drinking journey, I want to encourage you to just keep practicing. Keep going. I promise you are not alone and you are worth it. Every day you practice not drinking is a day you can learn from. I hope you can use these tips we talked about for the rest of your week and until then, talk to you next time.
