Episode Transcript
Pod Ash Butterss
Deb: Welcome back to the Alcohol Tipping Point Podcast. I am your host, Deb Masner. I'm a registered nurse, a health coach, and an alcohol free badass. And today on the show I have Ashley Butters. She is the creator, host, and executive producer of Behind The Smile A Recovery Podcast designed to expose and remove the stigma around mental health, trauma, and addiction.
And she is also a yoga meditation teacher and the. To her fur baby. Frank, what a cute name for a dog. I love it. Well actually I'm assuming it's a dog .
Ash: He is, yes. He's a little Brussels Griffin. So he looks like a little ewok for people who are wanting to get a picture of it.
Deb: I love it. So Frank is like a perfect name.
So welcome to the show, Ash all the way from Australia too. Thank you
Ash: so much, Deb. It is wonderful to be here with you. . Well, can you share a
Deb: little bit more about like who you are and what you do before we get into your story?
Ash: Absolutely. Yes. So as you kindly introduced me, I am the creator and the host of Behind the Smile, which is my recovery podcast, which was really born out of a desire to remove the stigma around mental health, trauma and addiction.
Myself being in recovery, I know what it feels like when you are in the depths of. grappling with your addiction and not knowing how to reach out for help because of the shame and the stigma that surrounds this disease. And I really wanted to be able to share not only my story, but the stories of other people.
To be able to provide hope for those who might still be in that cycle of addiction or for even people who have come out the other side, but are still learning how to navigate life sober, because it's completely different. You know, we, we, we have to pick up a whole new set of tools to be able to do life in sobriety and to feel comfortable.
Well, that's been my experience, I should say. I have behind the smile, which is absolutely my passion and my, my other baby apart from Frank. And then I'm a yoga and a meditation teacher. So when I'm not pod, when I'm not podcasting, I am teaching yoga. I teach Vinyasa and I teach yin yoga, and then I also teach meditation.
And I've got. Free guided meditations on my website, ash butters.com. So very much in that space, but I must say that's certainly not what I was doing before I got sober. So I live a completely different life now to the one I was living when I was drinking and using. Wow.
Deb: Well, I, I would love to hear your story and your experience with using and
Ash: getting sober.
Mm-hmm. . Yeah, absolutely. So I always like to, By explaining that I am the child of alcoholic parents, and I grew up in an alcoholic home. So from the earliest age there was a lot of chaos and a lot of dysfunction within my family system. . And as a child, I didn't understand what alcoholism was and I didn't really even understand the effects of drinking.
So of course I assumed that my parents' behavior was my fault and I was taking on. Responsibilities that were far beyond my years. And what I mean by that is if my parents had an argument and my mom went into bed, her bedroom, I would follow her and I would get under the duna cover with her and I would sit with her while she cried.
And I was always wanting to protect each of my family members and, and be that bedrock and that stability. But what that ended up doing for me, , I became more and more disconnected from my own self and my own needs, and my, my main purpose, or my primary purpose was to make sure that everyone around me was okay.
So as a result of that, I was wearing different masks and I was playing different roles depending on the environment that I was in and who I thought you needed me to be. So my core belief was really that I was unlovable and that I was unworthy. , but I projected this very outgoing. Eccentric, vivacious person to the world because I thought I needed to be all of that to be accepted and to be loved, and I had a really, really noisy head as a result of that.
So the inner critic that we talk about, like, or the itty bitty, shitty, shitty committee I like to call it, that was really, really loud in my head and. I went through my early years, as I said, people pleasing and really losing my sense of self. And then at 12 years old, I discovered alcohol. And what alcohol did for me was it quietened the voices inside my head and all of a sudden it was like peace and serenity, and I loved that feeling so much.
I thought the more I drank, the more I'd get that feeling. So from my, the very first instance that I drank Al alcohol, I was a blackout drunk. And I remember that first night I was actually at, it was a f a family friend's Christmas party. So we were there, there was, you know, hundreds of people there.
There were rock stars and celebrities, and it was this whole affair. And my, my dad had been working in a particular industry that meant that we were, as a family, invited to this. and my friend and I had worked out that if we kept walking through the front door, we could get these free cocktails that they were serving through.
And my parents being, you know, part of the party, they didn't, they weren't paying attention to what I was doing. So off I went and at about 9:00 PM my dad got a tap on the shoulder and was told that he needed to come and get me. And I was in a bathroom with my head in the. Vomiting and I, you know, I don't really remember much, but it was really interesting in that moment because in hindsight, I can look back and I can see that my parents, whom at the time didn't know any better, they had two options there.
They could. They could have sat down with me and had a conversation around the impact and the consequences of drinking alcohol or they could reprimand me. And unfortunately, the latter occurred. So I was grounded for six months and basically told to stay in my room and, and that, and that was it. And so, It was a really interesting moment because in that moment I thought, well, if you think I'm bad, then I'm gonna be bad.
And I, I didn't learn from the experience. All I thought was, I just need to learn how to get better at hiding this. And so that's really what created what shaped the next. Two decades of my drinking. I was very much a split personality, where throughout my high school years I was highly academic. Like got along really well with all of my peers and my teachers.
I became a prefect in year 12, which is, there's like a senior leader in Australia and in my final years of school I was music captain, drama, all of this stuff. And then on the weekends I was going out, I was drinking. I. Tried class A drugs by the time I was 14, I was hanging out with the wrong crowds. I was, you know, just doing a lot of stuff that I really shouldn't have been doing.
And so, again, like this disconnect between, well, who is the real ash in all of this? Like, is, is, is it the goody goody prefect at school? Or is it the naughty girl who's going out and doing all of this stuff that she shouldn't be doing? And, and I couldn't answer you that question. And life continued on.
You know, we hear the phrase high functioning alcoholic thrown around a lot, and I do identify with that. If that is to mean that I was able to continue moving through life, ticking all of the boxes. So as I progressed, I finished school, I did well, I then went to university. I actually. finish university though, because at the time I'd moved outta home when I was 17 and I'd moved into a drug dealer's.
My boyfriend was a drug dealer, and I'd moved into his house and I was drinking and using so much that I thought, I, I don't, I don't have time for university right now. I, I actually don't want to go. And so I came up with this big lavish excuse to my parents as to why I wasn't going to go. And I actually went and studied beauty therapy.
I. . So I was doing that for a year whilst I deferred my degree, which was journalism. And I just, I was basically just drinking and using around the clock there. And that led me to what would've been probably my first rock bottom. But unfortunately it wasn't, it wasn't enough of a wake up call at the time, but at, at 19 I, I ended.
owing my drug dealer a really large sum of money, and I didn't know how to pay it. I'd gone to a porn shop and sold my guitar and my saxophone, and I wasn't even close to coming up with the money that I needed. So I, I had to go back to my parents and I had to confess and tell them what had happened. But unfortunately at the time, my, my dad was still drinking and we didn't know about any of the support systems that were out there for alcoholics and addicts and.
my parents' best thinking at the time was to take me to a health farm. And so we, they flew me up to Queensland and, and I stayed there for 10 days and my dad took me and we had, you know, we had colonics and isotonics and we ate really healthy food, but there was absolutely no instruction or education around the disease of addiction.
The why, which I think is so, so important. We can talk more about that later, but the why is to understand the why is such a. Of getting sober and staying sober. In my opinion, we need to know why we are wanting to take these substances that disconnect us from our true self. And so unfortunately, after that 10 day stay, I came home and I started drinking and using again straight away.
And that's pretty much how my life just sort of continued rolling on. I did pull back on the drugs but I, but the drinking then just continued even more and more. And it was very much I, I didn't become, daily drinker until 2018. So there was a period there of about 10 years where it was, it was four or five nights a week, really heavy.
But I was still managing to get up and go to work and do whatever I needed to do to get by. In 2014, I did a geographical which is where you pick up your life and you move somewhere else thinking that this new place will be better. But unfortunately, I came to learn. Wherever I go, I will be, and my problems will follow me because I'm the creator of the chaos.
And so I moved to Sydney and I met a man that I later married and he was, he was into marijuana, so he smoked a lot of weed and, and I drank a lot. And again, we, we almost were in this enmeshed co-dependent relationship where we would enable one. . So he couldn't call me out on my drinking because he was smoking every day.
I couldn't call him out on his smoking cuz I was drinking every day. And that went on for a period of time until 2018, which was, was definitely the. A sliding doors moment for me, and I share this story because it's really important for people to understand where that switch flipped over for me. And it was, it was 2018 and my, my fiance at the time, we were down back in Melbourne where I live now, visiting friends and family and we were attending a.
and we got a phone call that my fiance's brother who lived with us, he, he hadn't gone to work that morning and, and no one could find him. And so we instructed the friend who made the phone call to head to our apartment and to jump over the balcony and to let themselves in. He'd probably just slept through his alarm or something we thought.
And unfortunately when the friend got there and, and made his way into the apartment, he found Dan had had passed away. He'd taken his own life. And that was really the moment I, I still remember taking the phone call like it was yesterday. And in that moment, everything slowed down and I knew my life was never going to be the same.
My, my fiance was actually still in quite a lot of grief from losing his father five years earlier. and I, I was very concerned about how he was going to manage moving through this. And I, in my head, I was thinking, it's now going to be your responsibility to carry both of you. And, and that the thought of that was so overwhelming that I went to the only thing I knew that would help me cope with that, and that was alcohol.
So from that day, I started, I became a daily drinker. Now, the crazy part of this, was that a week after that phone call, we had the funeral and then a week after that to the day we had our wedding. So there was the same, you know, 200 people that had been at the funeral the week before at our wedding, and it was just it.
I can't quite describe how we even got through that day. There was so much love, but so much grief and. After that we, we went on our honeymoon and unfortunately, you know, it was, it was my husband crying in the shower every day. And we really, I don't think we ever really got a chance to, to grow together and, and to form a union and a bond because we were both, we went into our own addictions to deal with the grief and the trauma.
And so we spent the next two years really growing apart and, and subsequently, that led to, to, to me, getting sober, which as painful as all of that is, I am in a way grateful because it's led me to where I am today. So in 20, 22 years after, Everything we'd been through, we were, we were at a really difficult point in our marriage, and my husband decided to go to India for, for a silent retreat, to try and reset himself in the hopes that he could then reengage in the marriage and we could try and make it work.
And I thought to myself at the time, Deb, I thought, this is fantastic because you are the reason I drink so much, and if you leave the country, then I will stop drinking and everything will be fine. It was the delusion, the denial that I was in at the time. So he flies out on the Monday and I'd come back to Melbourne again for work because I was, by this time I was working for a big beauty organization and they were based in Melbourne and I'd been down for the week and I decided to stay the weekend.
So on the Friday afternoon when everybody went to work, I declined the offer because I thought, I don't wanna go to work drinks. I actually can't guarantee my behavior at the moment. I'd been drinking to black out, you know, for two years and I didn't wanna embarrass myself, so I thought I'll just go home.
But I picked up a bottle of wine on the way home as I did every night, and I started drinking that bottle of wine. And a friend called me and said, do you wanna come out for a drink? And I, I said, I thought to myself, you know what? I can go out for one. And I truly believe that's what I was doing. I was staying with my mom at the time, and I said, mom, I'm just heading out.
And I, and I left. Now we all know how this story ends. I walked in the door the following morning at eight o'clock and I, my mom was sitting at the kitchen bench and the look on her face was just, it's burned into my mind and it, and it was enough for me to think to myself, I absolutely cannot do this anymore.
It was in this moment that I realized that I was the creator of the carnage that. , everything that had led up to that moment had been based off the actions and the decision, the decisions that I had made. And I couldn't blame anyone anymore. You know, I couldn't blame my husband. I couldn't blame losing a, a, a dear friend.
I couldn't blame anything else. It was up to me to make this decision to choose, you know, of that fore quote in my life of, you gonna keep doing this? Are you gonna die? Or do you want to actually change your life and change your life forever? And in that moment, I did. I put up my hands and I asked for, and within a week I was in a rehab and that was the 24th of February, 2020, and I haven't had a drink or a drug since.
Deb: Congratulations. Thank you and thank you for sharing that. I mean that really encapsulates so much of like your journey and just everything from how you grew up to your early twenties, your relationships, and then just finally realizing like, I have
Ash: a problem. I need help.
Deb: Mm-hmm. . So thank you for sharing that.
Ash: My pleasure.
Deb: So had you tried to quit before? Mm, .
Ash: Good question. Honestly, no, I had, how I describe it is I was probably for the last decade of my drinking, I would get to, every now and then I would get to a point where I had blown my life up and you know, it would be after a night where I'd done something that was.
That it caused me to wake up the following morning with just that absolute dreaded feeling of guilt, shame, and remorse. And whenever that happened, I would call my dad because my dad actually got sober in 2010. So I would call my dad and I would say, dad, I'd say, dad, I'm I'm, I need help. And he would take me to an aa.
and I would sit in the back and I just didn't hear a thing. I think because I was so consumed with self-pity and the, the shame was just weighing down so heavily on me, I actually couldn't hear the message. I couldn't hear what people were trying to share and what they were trying to give me. So I'd sit there with cotton wool in my ears, and then I'd leave again.
And by that afternoon, I'd think to myself, oh, it wasn't that bad, and off I'd go again. So I did that probably you know, a dozen times over that decade. But because I had surrounded myself with people that drank and used like me, it never really occurred to me that I had a problem. And it, that might sound crazy.
You need to remember that I was doing all of the things. Like I, I actually went back to uni and got my degree and then I was climbing the corporate ladder and I bought a house and I got married. And so everything that I was meant to be doing in inverted commerce, I was doing. So I didn't, and, and alcohol for me was, was my friend.
It was my, it made me feel better. It quieted the voices in my head. So to even consider removing alcohol from my life was just something that I couldn't wrap my head around. I just couldn't even entertain the idea. . Mm-hmm. .
Deb: That makes sense. I can relate to that too. So, can you share about your experience with rehab?
I, I think a lot of our listeners, or at least a lot of my experience, is more with people who are kind of more like gray area drinkers and People, myself included, who have said like, I'm not gonna do AA or inpatient rehab. That isn't for me. Which you have done both. So I would just love to hear more about your experience because I think.
It admittedly, there's a lot of misconceptions out there, so,
Ash: yeah. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , absolutely. I'd love to share. The rehab that I went to is, it was based in Sydney, it's called South Pacific Private, and this particular rehab is actually based off the same model as the Meadows, which is in Arizona. So there's this particular model and this modality of therapy that they use there, which is based off PM Melo work, and it's all around this developmental model of immaturity, which I'll talk to in a moment.
And I had known about this rehab because I'd had a family member go there years before. and as part of that person's inpatient stay, we did family program at the end of it. So I'd actually even, I'd visited the space and I actually knew what it looked like and it terrified me. It, it, it wasn't, it wasn't
I certainly, I remember actually sitting there at that time, this was six years before I got sober, and I thought to myself, gosh, like I'd never wanna end up here. . Funnily enough, that's exactly where I ended up. So that's sort of how I knew where to go. Now this particular rehab is a psychiatric hospital as well as a rehab.
And they are very heavily focused on the therapy and like I said before, the why. So getting to understand why I was drinking and using the way I was. So I must admit I was terrified going there. I, I got on a plane, I flew back up to Sydney and my mother-in-law actually picked me up from the airport and drove me the hour out to this, this treatment center on the Northern Beaches.
And I remember walking in and it's actually so funny, Deb, my intake photo, which is the photo that I've used on episode one of Behind the Smile, which is where I share my own recovery story. When you look at that photo, I'm sitting there and I'm smiling from ear to ear, and I look back at that now and I'm, I'm unrecognizable from the person that sits in front of you today.
I was so, so puffy and red-eyed and, but I had this smile because it was my armor, it was my mask, and I was inside. I was terrified. And so once you do your intake, your ad admission, I was then sent off to a room, which is exactly like you would find in any other hospital. , there was about six beds inside the room and I was sat on the bed and they searched through all of my belongings to check that I hadn't brought anything in either contraband or anything that I could use to harm myself.
So, you know, they take away your hair dryer, hair straightener, razors, anything like that is removed as well as, Any alcohol, you're not allowed cigarettes in there. Like it's all taken. And I was a smoker as well, so that was definitely was, it was a double whammy there. And so, , you know, they take your vitals and then they put you into bed.
And then I, I had to medically detox and I actually, when they were asking me how much I was drinking and I was sharing it with them, I was talking so casually. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I probably have about two bottles of wine a night. And then I have a little. Half liter bottle of vodka that I hide in my underwear drawer, and I sip that as well.
So yeah, I probably finished most of that. And then I remember her looking at me and sa and explaining to me the, the medication that they were going to have to put me on for me to withdraw. And I was so surprised. I was like, what do you mean? And she said, well, Ashley, if we let you, if we just stop right now, you could die.
And it really blew my mind. And I think that's one of the scariest things about the progression of this disease is that your tolerance builds over time and you need more and more and more to get the same effect. So I hadn't even realized that the amount I was drinking would be enough for some people to to be in a lot of trouble.
and that's really where the journey began. I stayed in that first room for a couple of nights. It was right across from the nurse's station so they could continue coming in and checking my vitals. Every few hours for the first 48 hours and then I was entered into, I was allowed to suppose be released into the general population where all of the other patients were, and that's really where the work began.
I was quickly put into a group a, a group therapy, so we had different colors and each group was a different color and they were sort of your tribe that you would attend all of your daily therapy group sessions. . And in those group therapy sessions there was, you did a lot of sharing, but there was a process called a timeline, and that was really pivotal for me.
And what we did with our timeline is we looked at our life from zero to 17 and we were asked to mark or reference any significant events that had happened throughout that period of time. And going into that e exercise. , I really didn't think that there was much that I'd experienced. Like, sure my parents drank too much, but they were never violent.
There was no sexual abuse or any, you know, I couldn't, I wasn't able to identify with the word trauma because how I understood it, it didn't, it didn't affect me, or I didn't think I was allowed to say that I had experienced trauma. And then I started writing everything down. things started to come up that were really surprising.
They were things that I knew had happened. I hadn't blocked them out, but I just didn't really think they were that significant. And it's even little things like my dad would say to us on a Friday morning, all right, I'll see you for dinner tonight. And then mom, my brother and I would be sitting around the dinner table at 6:00 PM and then six 30 rolls around, and then 7:00 PM rolls around.
And he doesn't come home till Monday. Like little things like that, which I just thought were normal because I didn't know any better. It was, that was all sort of starting to paint this picture of, well, of course you feel abandoned, of course you feel like you're unworthy, like you did something wrong, like you're not good enough.
You know, I, as a teenager, I really struggled with disordered eating. All of that came up. I was cutting my arms from the age of 14. So all of those things I was able to look at and process and, and the dysfunctional relationships that I had as a result of trying to model what my parents had, cause they were drinking buddies.
It all started to come to light and it was huge and it was really powerful. And at the end of sharing my timeline, I was actually asked to then join an accelerated group for, for CH, for people that had experienced significant trauma, which was what, after I'd shared my story, they identified I'D had enough significant trauma to then go and do a program called Changes.
Which they call survivors at the Meadows, and that's where I was taken into some really deep somatic work where the trauma that had been trapped inside my body as a result of me using alcohol and drugs to numb out, that all started to come up. And so with somatic therapy, you know, you, you, you, for instance, you might have a parent.
Who's sitting on the chair next to you. Now, of course, they're not actually there, but you go into your inner child and then you speak back to them and it's, you know, you, you hand back the guilt and the shame and all of the stuff that's not yours to carry. And it's huge. It's, it's incredibly painful work, but, It just for me, there was this tectonic shift inside myself that needed to occur for me to let go of everything that I'd been holding onto that had created this just like undercurrent of fear throughout my life and in that safe contained space.
I was able to do all of that work. Now, the really important thing for me was that I don't think I, it would've been safe for me to do that. outside of a rehab because I'm pretty sure I would've used or, or or picked up as a result of it. And, and after I finished that week of, of ex in that week, it changes.
I remember the Friday night, like I, I viscerally wanted to, to, to use, like, I needed to get outta my body. It was so painful, but of course I couldn't, and so I had to go and I was, I. went to my room and I started journaling, and it was that simple act of rewiring a neural pathway by making a different decision for the first time in 20 years.
Rather than going, I have a bad feeling, I'm gonna pick up a drink. It was like, I, I have a bad feeling. I can't pick up a drink. I'm gonna go and write about this, and I'm gonna sit in this. And that started to form this new habit, this new behavior, which was one of the many, many tools that I now use in my recovery on a daily basis.
It was just such an incredible experience. You know, this particular rehab, there were not just alcoholics and addicts in there. There were people in there for depression, anxiety, codependency, sex, and love, addiction, gambling. It was everyone. And at the end of the day, we all came back to trying to understand what were our core issues, our core beliefs, healing from that trauma, and then being able to reenter the world with a whole new set of tools to be able to do.
Oh,
Deb: wow. Well, thank you for sharing. It sounds like very transformative. Mm-hmm. , how long was your
Ash: rehab stay? I was there for three weeks. So in the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't a long time, but it was certainly enough time. They do offer an extension of two weeks in a, in a, in a house that's next door to the hospital.
But I decided not to do that. I went straight back to, I went back home. and because I want, I wanted to get back to work. I wanted to get back to my life and I felt like I was ready. But there is ongoing transition support after you leave. The really interesting thing for me was that nine days after I left Rehab New South Wales, which is where I was living at the time, went into lockdown.
Deb: and so yeah, this was 2020 March, 2020 Covid hits. Yeah, that's it. He gets spit back into the world and the world
Ash: is different. It was really interesting, you know, because in rehab you're not allowed your mobile phone, so I wasn't able to contact anyone in the outside world. Except for a five minute phone call that you're allowed to take once a day.
And I would be speaking to, you know, each day I'd either call my, my husband or my mom or my dad and, and I'd speak to them. And we started to get little whispers of information from the outside world. That toilet paper was starting to go missing out of supermarkets and all of, and we, it felt quite apocalyptic and quite bizarre.
And it wasn't until I got out that I was like, oh no, this is real. This is happening. So yeah, it was pretty crazy. . Well, so then you,
Deb: you have this transformative experience get a lot of therapy and healing, and then you're out in the world. Just raw dog in reality. .
Ash: Yep. ,
Deb: what, what was your journey like after that, and how did you maintain your sobriety?
Ash: Hmm. I really share with people who are either in rehab or coming out of. The, the hard work starts the day you leave because that's where you really have to show up and nobody else is forcing you to stay accountable. Like you. You need to do this for yourself, and you need to want it. I was given the gift of desperation, you know, I didn't have another option.
I, I was refusing to go back to my old life, and so I did everything that I was told to do. As you mentioned, I'm part of 12 Step Fellowship, and so that's something that I went into straightaway. I, I went to AA meetings. I got a sponsor and I started going through the 12 steps and that really helped me to.
Stay connected. I also, my dad's in 12 steps, so I had that sort of reference point of an of, of an example where it worked. And that was a really great guide for me. I was actually still doing weekly therapy with one of the therapists that I'd met inside rehab. We stayed working together and I still work with her to this.
But for the first six months, I'd say I was seeing her weekly. And then after that it went to fortnightly and then it went to monthly. And now, you know, it's, it's if and when as I need. But yeah, definitely. So staying close to the AA community and staying close to the AA community. And what was the other one?
I've just spoken. Your therapy. I'm so sorry. Mind blank. And doing regular therapy. But then the other thing that I did within that is I started to form a really solid morning routine, and I got really committed to my habits because what I found was when I removed alcohol, all of a sudden I had all of this time back.
And it was time in the evening as well as in the morning, because in the mornings I would be so hungover that I could barely move. So I'd be snoozing my alarm until the absolute 11th hour that I had to get up, and then I'd throw myself into the shower and get to work. Now I was waking up with the birds and I had all of this energy, and so I wanted to fill my days and set it up right?
So a morning routine for me has been one of my. Important tools that I lean on every single day. And what that looks like for me is I wake up in the morning and I meditate, and I, my aim is to, to meditate for 10 minutes a day. I've gone through periods of my sobriety, where I've been at doing Vedic meditation, 45 minutes, twice a day.
Amazing. Not sustainable for me personally. So you need to choose what works for you. I find that 10 minutes a day is a really nice spot to land because the first thing I do is I quieten my mind. And I just let everything get still for a moment because I have the mind of an alcoholic, and that's a very busy mind.
And the other thing that to remember is when I remove alcohol, which was my solution, to quietening those voices in my head. , I choose to remove alcohol because I wanna live sober. That doesn't mean that the voices go away, not necessarily straight away anyway. So I need to pick up other tools and techniques to be able to, to deal with that and to, and to go through life.
And so meditation has been huge for me to do that. What I've found over time is the more that I meditate, the more space it creates between my reaction in life and my response. Prior to meditating, prior to getting sober, like I was, I was just like punching my way through life like I was everything.
Fast-paced and, and, and jagged edges. And, and I was, aw, I was intense. And so I would react to everything. And also I thought everyone was out to get me because I didn't have any self-worth. And then through this process, this journey over the last three years, like I now come to a place where I live life most days.
In the pause in that moment between a reaction and a response. Since when things happen now, I'm able to just like breathe for a moment and then I can make the choice that's led from my heart or my intuition rather than my head, which is often can't be trusted. So meditation's huge. And then I pray, I pray to a higher power that I don't understand and that works for me.
And then I, I write a gratitude list, and that is a really important practice for me. I find that writing gratitude really helps to shift my mental state. You know, I can wake up in the morning and have a bad day. And by sitting down and writing that gratitude list, it really just reminds me of how blessed and how lucky I am.
Like I'm grateful every day for another day of sobriety. You know, I'm grateful that I know I don't have to cause any harm today. . And you know, sometimes it's little things like having a warm bed to sleep in. Sometimes it's bigger things, but I keep coming back to that gratitude. And I also share my gratitude list with a group of women, and that's really special because I then get to read their gratitudes as well.
So it's a beautiful, beautiful practice.
Deb: Oh, everything you said just sounds wonderful. , you mentioned that you were like unrecognizable from the person back in 20, before 2020 or before 2020, right. So how have you changed since getting
Ash: sober? Hmm. Oh, what do I start? Well, let's start with the physical because that's, that's obvious.
So I was about 18 kilos heavier than I am. and that had happened over the period of that last two years. So where I was daily drinking, I had absolutely no regard for my nutrition. So I'd wake up hungover and I'd always be searching for something that was going to hit the spot. So generally it was, it was, it was gonna be quick, it was gonna be greasy, and it was gonna be hot.
And then I would just, you know, I would, I would eat to make myself feel better rather than through the lens of nutrition and, and really checking in to see what my body needed. . And so there was the poor nutrition coupled with the empty calories that I was consuming every single night. You know, two bottles of wine, however many hundreds of calories that is, you know, and I even deluded myself into thinking that was part of the reason I picked up vodka, because I was like, well, vodka doesn't have as many calories.
It actually doesn't matter the minute that you start drinking. because alcohol is a toxin, it's a poison. What the liver does is it stops all of its important functions to allow alcohol to be processed first. So alcohol enters your body, and then it jumps the cue. . So every other important function that you, you know, whether it's like nourishing your heart, your lungs, all of your vital organs, processing sugars, fats, all of that, it all stops and alcohol jumps to the front of the line and starts getting processed first.
So it doesn't actually matter what type of alcohol you choose to consume. If you are consuming alcohol, it will throw out your nutrition, your health, your diet, all of that, you know, and, and just the really basic, vital, important functions that our. that our body does every single day. So when I stopped drinking, actually from the minute I went into rehab, I, I started dropping weight because all of a sudden my body was actually able to process food properly again.
But it wasn't until, it was probably after the first six months that I, because I, I was, I moved very slowly in that first six months, and I do say this to people like, you need to go gently, like, don't try and do everything at once in the beginning. And so in the beginning I was, I was, I started, you know, I was moving my body every day because that, again, that's a pillar of my recovery is, is exercise.
And that was gentle. With my dog. But then over time I started to increase that and then I fell in love with yoga. I had done a little bit of yoga prior to getting sober, but I was never able to really fully connect in with this practice. It's such a spiritual practice, and when you're drinking every day and you're disconnected from spirit, it's really hard to understand or to lean into the full benefits of the practice.
And then alcohol was removed from my life, and all of a sudden I started to really lean into yoga. . And so I started doing that every day and then that, that, again, like all of that just started to change my body and my mind. And then from that type of shift that I've seen, It's really funny. I used to think that I was an extrovert and I would always be the loudest person in the room, and I've spent a lot of my life and my career getting up in front of hundreds of people and presenting and all of that stuff.
And look, I still enjoy doing that to a time, but what I've come to realize, and this has been one of the biggest changes, is I'm actually introverted. I refuel when I'm. and I crave that time alone. I used to be terrified of being alone. If my partner went out for dinner, like I was anxious, if, you know, I couldn't sleep until they came home, like I was, I couldn't sit in my own skin.
And now these days, I, I carve out time to be alone. I like, I live alone and if I have, I know that work is going to require me to be interacting with a lot of people like. , I make sure I carve out time where I can to ha to recalibrate and to come back to myself and that's just wild to think because I was the complete opposite beforehand.
I just, I love my own company and I love peace and quiet, and I love getting to know myself. That's been the biggest journey in my recovery, has been that journey from my head to my. You know, it was, I was so, so disconnected for, for 20 plus years, and now all of a sudden I'm getting to know who I actually am, and I've come to discover that I actually like that person.
Deb: That's amazing. And you, you know, this is audio, obviously you're listening, but Ash is just glowing, and gorgeous. Dropped it. Gorgeous. Thank you. I, I have seen that before picture, and I find it ironic that you were working in the beauty industry and working for a makeup company. Right. I know, I know. And but, but what you really needed was like to heal from within and remove the alcohol and find yourself, and that now, like your beauty from the inside out shines.
Ash: Oh, thank you. I think you're absolutely right. You really do notice it when you meet people. Well, I do anyway, when I meet people who are sober, like they just have a glow about them, and there's this inner radiance and this inner contentment, which just shines so, so bright. Yeah. That's
Deb: wonderful. Well, I, as I was looking up, you Ash, I saw that you had shared some about your experience with perfectionism and how it related to drinking and then how you've overcome it.
Can you kind of share a bit more about
Ash: that? Yeah, absolutely. So I'll tell you a funny story. . When I was in rehab after we did our timelines, we, we, we were asked to do what's called a step one, and it's where we identify our core issue, and we focus on treating that in order to heal and to step into recovery.
So if you're a gambling addict, then step one would be to look at your gambling. If you're an alcoholic, it would be to look at alcohol. My step one was perfectionism, and I was so, so shocked because I, I sat there and I said, what do you mean? Like I drink to blackout every day. I use drugs regularly. Like wh why perfectionism?
they got me to hold up my timeline. And it, it was, it had been completely, perfectly ruled. I'd used all different colored highlighters, texters to map everything like it was. It was, it was perfect. And my therapist said, do I need to explain any further? But what really happens, what that highlights is, it goes back to that little girl who was so.
Disregulated and so afraid and so convinced that she was unlovable, that I thought I had to be perfect to gain the love of those around me. My, my brother was a really gifted sportsman when, when we were young, when we were younger, and we, our family life was surrounded by his sporting every. . And so from a really young age, I was very jealous of my brother and I was craving that attention from my parents.
And so I ended up going down the path of music because I thought it was something that my brother couldn't do and that I'd be able to do it better than him, and then I'd get the same attention that he was getting. And this adoration, and unfortunately, because my family aren't musical, they're, they're a, they're a sporty family.
It didn't. and I remember just feeling so not good enough and, and so like, it really eroded my self worth. You know, I thought if, if my parents don't love me, which of course they did, and I, and I have to tell you, I have the most beautiful relationship with both of my parents today, and we've done a lot of healing.
And I also understand that they were doing the best they could at the time with the tools that they. . But unfortunately, you know, I'll give you an example. Like I was, I was singing in a choir and when I was about 15, we flew to Europe and we competed in this international competition and we won. And I remember calling my, my family back home and I spoke to my dad and he didn't even know where I'd, where I was.
Like, I was like, dad, we won. He's like, where are you? And it just broke my heart. And so I, I became a perfectionist out of a need to people please. But in recovery, it was explained to me that people pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. People pleasing is actually approval sucking, if you think about it.
And when it was reframed to me like. I was able to go, well, I don't wanna be like that. Like I wanna, I wanna be me. I wanna be authentically me. And as I came into recovery and my self-esteem started to rebuild because I was doing esteemable actions. I was right sized. My, my, my ego deflated. My self-esteem grew and I started to become this person that when I looked in the mirror, I respected and I loved, you know, I had never been able to do that before.
I avoided mirrors. I hated the person that looked back at me. But through this process of recovery and of healing and, and starting to live a. and be the person who I've always wanted to be. All of that, that need to be perfect. It's fallen away because I now, I, I back myself and I trust myself and I've also come to realize that maybe I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay as well.
Like, not everyone's gonna love you in this life. You know, it's, but that's not, that is not what's important. What's important is that you. , you can, you can honestly know that each and every day, like I show up and I do the absolute best I can. I ask myself every single day, how can I give back to this world and how can I live in integrity and be whole and happy?
And it's, it's such, and when you live from that space, you don't need to use. You know, like for so many years I was drinking and using because I didn't like the person I was. So you go back to that, like the absolute core of the problem, the why, and then all of a sudden the desire to drink and use is removed for you.
Deb: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. That's just well said. And you do give back. You give back. So can you share how people can find.
Ash: Absolutely yes. So you can find me on Instagram at Ash Butters. There's two S's at the end of my name. I've also got the podcast of course, which is Behind the Smile with Ash Butters, and you can find that where you find all great podcasts.
And then of course, as I mentioned, my website, which is ash butters.com. You can jump on there. There's different recovery tools and there's those free guided meditations as well. So jump on. Subscribe to the email and I'll send you weekly updates of everything that's happening within my world.
Deb: That's great.
Thank you so much, Ash, for being on the podcast, and I'm gonna be a guest on your podcast soon. Yes. So I'm looking forward to that. I can't wait. Yeah, I am looking forward to that and I'm looking forward to, at some point coming to Australia. I have some people who are dear to my heart that live there, and so I wanna add you to my list of Australians that I consider amazing
Ash: people.
Oh, bless you. Absolutely. If you head over this way, you must, must promise to let me know.
Deb: Yes, and same. You are welcome to come to Idaho, to Boise, Idaho , which is probably, I love that. Yes, I love that. Yeah, just put that on your bucket
Ash: list, . It's done.
Deb: Okay. Well thank you again. Thank you so
Ash: much, Deb. Have a beautiful day.
