[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast. I'm your host, Deb Maisner. I'm a registered nurse, health coach, and alcoholiday free badass. I have found that there's more than one way to address drinking. If you've ever asked yourself if drinking is taking more than it's giving, or if you've found that you're drinking more than usual, you may have reached your own alcohol tipping point. The alcohol tipping point is a podcast for you to find tips, tools, and thoughts to change your drinking. Whether you're ready to quit forever or a week, this is the place for you. You are not stuck and you can change.
[00:00:35] Speaker B: Let's get started.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: Thank you for listening to another episode of the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast I'm excited to have on the show today. Rebecca Becks Weller. She is a former party girl turned health and life coach, author and speaker. She is also the author of the best selling sobriety memoir, A Happier Hour, as well as the books up all day chameleon, confessions of a former people pleaser, and RSVP sober, your guided journal for socializing alcohol free. Bex has also been an alcohol free badass since 2014, and I'm excited to have her on the show today because she is one of the original people who really started the sober curious movement and just made it cool to be sober. She has been known for her program, Sexy Sobriety, which is no longer available, but I know that it was popular for a lot of people, and I am just looking forward to hearing about more tips from her about how to socialize confidently when you are sober because I know it can produce a lot of anxiety for people and it also can be the trigger that gets you drinking again. So thank you for listening to this episode.
[00:02:00] Speaker B: Well, Vex, I'm so glad you're here.
[00:02:03] Speaker C: I feel like I know a lot.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: About you, but maybe our listeners don't. So I would love for you to just skip an intro and share how you've been on this journey. I know you've been alcohol free since 2014, and here we are, 2014 when this airs, not 2024, that's going to be hard to get used to saying, so you're going to be approaching ten years of sobriety, right? That's awesome. Congratulations.
[00:02:35] Speaker C: Thank you so much, Devin. Thank you for having, you know, my, my journey with alcohol. It really began like I think so many of your listeners can probably relate to in that I started when I was a teenager. I was a very shy and introverted soul, and I liked that alcohol made me more talkative more outgoing. And it was because of that that I really fell in love with it. It was really that social lubricant from the very beginning. And throughout the years, I really started to drink a lot whenever I was socializing. And I could not imagine ever going to any social event without alcohol.
We'll talk so much more about that today, I'm sure. But I would drink before I would go to an event, and then I would drink myself silly when I was there. And quite often, especially as the years progressed, I would have blackouts and I wouldn't remember what had happened at social events. And this was a real problem because when I was out with colleagues, I was mortified, walking into the office again on Monday, not knowing what I'd done or what I'd said on Friday night. And when I was out with just like groups of friends, I would be so embarrassed the next day that I would avoid them and not want to see them again. So I found myself really moving from group of friends to group of friends and trying to keep it on the down low, thinking that I was so clever that I was being stealth about the fact that I was drinking too much and that no one would notice if I just dropped out of the social scene for a little while and hung out with these different friends instead. Like really, when I think back to it, it was flipping exhausting. And I kept drinking throughout the years and I found myself in careers and with companies who had a lot of budget for socializing, where there was a lot of drinking involved as well. And so my binge drinking really became worse. And it got to a point in around 2012 teen and I started to become a lot healthier. Like I started to become really intrigued by nutrition and how it makes us feel better and how it makes us think more clearly. And the funny thing was that I started down this path of getting healthier that way, but I still was drinking heavily, like on the weekends. And eventually I decided that I was going to just on a whim and a prayer, leave the corporate world and embark on a new career as a health coach.
The irony that I still was binge drinking didn't really occur to me back then. It was kind of a normal thing. You would see a lot of, I mean, even now you see a lot of like yoga and wine classes, things like that. And so it was this mixed up sort of paradigm. And when I actually launched into this health coaching world, I remember I had a beautiful session with one of my coaching clients and we were sitting in a Skype session and we were looking into each other's eyes and she know, sometimes when I feel lonely, I drink more. And I said, well, that's okay. Because, of course, to me, I wanted to convince myself that it was okay. But the minute the words left my lips, I knew that it wasn't. I knew that it was not okay to mask our emotions with alcohol or any other addictive pattern or substance. And it was from there that I started to embark on this journey of sobriety. Like, I started reading blogs about these women, and back then, these were all anonymous because it was very difficult to find anyone talking publicly with their name and face attached about sobriety. And so I read these blogs, and these blogs really inspired me. Like, these women were saying that their lives were better without alcohol. It was so difficult to believe. Like, it was so out of the norm. I didn't know anyone who didn't drink and was happy about it. And it just sparked that seed of inspiration where I was like, okay, what if I just try, like, a three month experiment and see if my life is better? And so I embarked on that, and lo and behold, my life got better. And I got to that three month mark, and I thought, well, if my life is better now, what if it would be better in six months? Like, could it be even better? And so I moved that goalpost, and what do you know? It got even better. And this path led me to want to share all of everything that I'd learned. Like, when I got to seven months sober, I was so excited about how different my life was and how everything I'd ever feared was actually not relevant. Like, I was so afraid of sobriety. And yet, in sobriety, I gained everything I'd ever wanted. And in wanting to share this, I decided I'd create this sobriety program. And so my business partner and my husband and I put together this sobriety program called Sexy Sobriety. And that program really started with this little seed of inspiration, and it took on a life of its own. And from there, I wrote my first book, a happier hour, and three more books after that, all on the topic of sobriety. And that brings us, really, to today. Like, I've been doing that work for those nine years now and coming up to ten years in March of 2024.
[00:08:09] Speaker B: Wow, that's wonderful. I just want to thank you, because you, and there's been a handful of women, have really led the way for this sober, curious movement. I just kind of think of you as one of the originals.
You helped reenergize sobriety, like sexy sobriety. Like, the name says it all. You just made it so appealing and so wonderful. And that has helped take a lot of the shame and stigma out of just giving up drinking, which a lot of people maybe don't have a traditional problem or identify as an alcoholic or whatnot. And I don't even use that terminology, but I think you just made it cool to be sober and sexy and all of that good stuff. So thank you so much for your work.
[00:09:08] Speaker C: Thank you so much. It means the world. And my husband actually came up with that name, sexy sobriety. I was like, oh, really? And he's like, come on. Up until now, sobriety has seemed so somber and depressing and boring, and it really needs a makeover to say, like, it's a hell of a lot sexier to be sober than it is to be drunk and falling off the couch at a party type thing, which is where I was at the time. And so thank you for recognizing that, because that was one of our biggest purposes, was to try to give it a bit of a revamp.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. You sure did. And then one of the reasons I wanted to have you on, because this is coming out during dry January, and a lot of people are going to be socializing, and that can be one of the scariest things to do. I know for me, it would always lead me back to drinking, and it's hard. It's really hard to be around a group of people and feel like you're the odd one out or whatnot. And I was sharing before we started recording that you were on the sober alcoholiday summit, and you were talking about socializing sober. And my friend texted me, and she was like, I'm listening to Bex Weller. This is so good. And then later, she sent me her screenshot of her notes, and she had taken, like, a whole whiteboard of notes about all your tips, and they were so, so good. So then I saw that you had written the book RSVP sober, your guided journal for socializing alcohol free. So who better to have on the show to talk about?
[00:10:52] Speaker C: How do we do this?
[00:10:53] Speaker B: Right?
It's like, where do you even begin? I guess. Where do you think we should start? This is the big topic.
[00:11:02] Speaker C: Yes. Oh, my gosh. I have so much to say on this because I totally understand and I totally feel anyone that is nervous about socializing sober, it was my biggest thing about, how do you hang out at parties? Like, at the time, I was this big party girl. Like, I was always known as the woman first at the bar, the woman trying to get everyone to have a good time, and the last one to leave, unfortunately, and to change that identity was so scary and so tricky. And I think that one of the scariest moments of socializing alcohol free can be that first time or that first moment of walking into a party or a gathering. And once upon a time, I believed that alcoholiday equaled confidence. Like, that was why I was first in line at the bar every single time. I believed that alcohol equaled being feeling carefree and being able to talk to people. But if there's one thing that comes up time and time again in my work, helping women to live alcohol free, it's that true confidence really comes from within. And that the longer that we go without drinking, the more confident we feel in every situation. So taking those first scary steps, doing things for the first time, each time we do that, we grow. And we grow in confidence because we realize, hey, I can actually do this. The first time I went to an event with colleagues and didn't drink, and I came out of there and I was elated. I was so proud of myself. I was like, oh, my God, I can go out and have a good time and not drink. And that only comes through practice. So a fun way to get started with all of this action building confidence is through some confidence hacks. And two of my favorites, like these, are little tricks, little secret things that you can do to help you. The first one is to wear a lucky charm. So, in early sobriety, I had a bracelet. And on the inside of that bracelet was inscribed the words, stay here. And this was something that I bought from Belle Robertson from. Tired of thinking about drinking, she had a little jewelry store with things that we could use to act as a talisman or a token, something that was a charm with you, that reminded you. And wearing this bracelet every single time I felt like I should drink or I felt freaked out that I wasn't drinking, I would just look down at this bracelet on my wrist, and no one knew what was written inside. No one knew it had engraving on the inside. Only I did. And it just felt like this little precious secret with myself of like, stay here. Stay on the sober side. You've got this.
[00:13:53] Speaker B: You can do this.
[00:13:55] Speaker C: Because, I mean, let's face it, sobriety is not for the fake depart, right? And wearing an object that you believe is lucky, it can just boost your confidence and make you feel all the more likely to succeed. It helps to remind you that, hey, I've got my own back. I'm here, I'm present. I've got this.
The other one that I really love to use is aromatic anchoring. So emotional essential oils, they can really support emotional balance. They can bring a sense of calm and feelings of well being. And so what I used to do with this aromatic anchoring was sit before I would go to a social event, put some essential oils on me, or put it in a diffuser around me, breathe in deeply, and imagine how I wanted to be at these social events. Imagine myself walking through them, feeling completely confident, smiling, laughing, feeling relaxed and happy, not drinking. And then I would take that essential oil with me into a party. Sometimes I'd wear it as perfume. And then whenever I felt freaked out, I would just raise my wrist and just smell that essential oil. And it would remind me of that meditation I'd done earlier. It would remind me of that visualization of who I wanted to be. It's just a way to use your senses to bring you back to the present moment so that you don't get freaked out with thoughts of what's happened in the past or fears of what might happen in the future. You visualize yourself socializing like a sober rock star, and it tends to come true. I also would take a small bottle of it in my handbag, so that if it all got too much at an event and I just needed a time out, I could go out into the garden, or I could go into the bathroom, and I could take out my little essential oil and take a deep breath and smell it. And again, just return to that vision, that intention of who I wanted to be.
[00:16:01] Speaker B: I love those. I think that's so strong, that association with different smells and whatnot. I know that sometimes there's like this laundry detergent or something that the hospitals use, and I will smell that, and I will think of when I had my babies and they gave them these little hats, but I mean, it's just like, it's the power of using your senses and then tying it into visualization, and then the whole confidence building, the lucky talisman, the little charm. Those are really cool.
So what are some ways that we go about getting this idea wrong, this idea of socializing sober? Like, what are we doing that's wrong?
[00:16:50] Speaker C: I think the number one thing is that we believe it would be miserable. And gosh, did I think this. Gosh, I thought that it was going to be the worst time ever, that I would just be miserable for the rest of my life. I thought no one would invite me anywhere. I'd never have fun again. And I'd never be fun again. Like, I really could soar my life in just gray for the rest of my life. And it's funny because it's not that way at all. In actual fact, the highs become higher and the colors become brighter. It really can be so much better than you believe, but it will change, and that can be terrifying at first, but it actually is a beautiful thing to look forward to. So one thing I always like to say is, what if it's better than you ever imagined? On day 30 of my sobriety, I celebrated my 39th birthday. So it was the last birthday of my thirty s. I was exactly 30 days sober. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, for the first time since I'd been a teenager, I celebrated my birthday sober. So not out with dozens of friends dancing on tables and getting carried away, but, like, actually just a sober birthday that just felt really chilled. And it was just so nice, my love. And I. He said, what do you want to do? How would you like to celebrate it as something different? And I thought it over, and I said, you know, on the day, I just want to have.
Watch an 80s movie, have my favorite food, have a sparkling wine in a fancy goblet, have some fancy chocolates, and just chill out. And later, I had a party with friends that was just like a morning tea type thing. Like, they all came over, we sat on the rooftop, and it was just chilled. It wasn't the crazy nights of the past, and I thought I would miss that. But in actual fact, it felt so nice just to be relaxed, just for it to be so calm and peaceful and just quiet, like, happy fun. And this wasn't a once off, like, this belief that it would be miserable. I thought that it would be all the way through. So as I made my way through a year of sober first through my first sober trip, my first sober summer, Christmas, New Year's, it blew my mind that I preferred it more. Like, I couldn't have even fathomed that this could be the case. And I always think that if someone had asked me why I was so afraid to go to events sober, I would have said, because it'll be boring if I don't drink. I'd never stopped to consider why was I going to all these events that were so boring I had to drink.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: To get through them?
[00:19:44] Speaker C: Like, why am I going to these events that are boring without alcohol? What if I did events that were fun without alcohol?
[00:19:52] Speaker B: How about that?
[00:19:53] Speaker C: And so I think, like, approaching it from a different direction. And now I have so much fun with friends. We go and we do other things besides not the old drinking and pubs and things, but we do hula hoop lessons in the park, and, gosh, we.
[00:20:12] Speaker B: Just laugh our asses off.
[00:20:15] Speaker C: We go to funny movies, we go to art exhibitions. We go to a ton of different things that are fun and interesting without drinking. And so I think approaching it with a mindset of, like, what could it be like if I was just open to it? How could this be? What if it's like a whole new chapter where I learn something new? Because if you think about it, we have a ton of experience of drinking, of doing the same old things, going to the same old places, the same old parties with the same old people, and having the same results. And so what could it look like if it was something new and different and something that expands our world? I think so often when we've been drinking for a long time, we believe it's expanding our world, but in actual fact, it's making it smaller. I know when I was drinking too much and then blacking out and avoiding people, it was making my life smaller.
I was shrinking. I was avoiding people. I was avoiding situations to expand in life and be like, what new adventures could I discover is just such a different direction to that, and something that can be just so precious and valuable until you experience it, I think it's hard to understand, and that's why I'm so adamant about go and experience it. Don't take my word for it. Go find out for yourself.
[00:21:40] Speaker B: I think that's such a good reminder, too. Like, figuring out what you actually like to do and what are you just tolerating and realizing, like, maybe I'm just tolerating this with drinking, and I don't really like this.
Yeah, and you're right. Just, like, going to a bar and sitting there can get kind of old.
I remember had somebody on the show, and he was saying how he and his wife would travel to different cities, but they would just go to bars in different cities, and they'd never explore the city. And now that he was alcohol free, he's like, we are going to go back to these different cities and actually explore. Because your world had gotten so small and revolved around drinking and. Yeah, I totally get it.
[00:22:28] Speaker C: I love that so much. And I always talk about reclaiming places. Like, I think about that, too, when I go, there's a place down south from here where I live, and it's wine valley. It's called wine region. And all of my times there have been very messy.
[00:22:45] Speaker B: I'll put it that way.
[00:22:46] Speaker C: So I often say, like, I'm going down there to reclaim it. And. Exactly like, that example of going to do other things in that region that is not just, like, alcohol focused.
[00:22:58] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that idea of reclaiming, too. Yeah. So fun.
[00:23:03] Speaker C: Well, I kind of feel like it.
[00:23:04] Speaker B: Also gives you a chance to experience ordinary things in a different way. Again, like you were saying, like, your first sober Christmas, your first sober wedding, your first sober concert, it's kind of like being a kid again, like, oh, the kids don't need alcohol for these events, and they're having a blast, so it's really cool.
[00:23:28] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:23:30] Speaker B: So with some of the challenges, let me ask you about one of the challenges of just feeling left out and not fitting in. I think that can be a big challenge for people. That whole FOMo, how do you deal with that?
[00:23:47] Speaker C: Yeah. For know, there's a concept that I learned when I was studying to be a health coach at Iin, and it was called the concept of fitting out, where it was like, instead of trying to fit in with everyone else and be carbon copies of everyone around you, what if you just decided to celebrate your differences? What if you just said, I'm just going to fit out? And this the time that I had learned about this. It was a time when I was eating a bit more healthily. I was definitely departing a little bit from the mainstream, and it felt like such an exhale, like such a relief and permission to accept yourself as you are and not try to fit in with everyone else. Because when you think about it, I mean, isn't it crazy that we still feel peer pressure past the age of 16? It's pretty nuts. And also how boring life would be if we were all exactly the same. Like, imagine all of your friends and the different things that they bring to your life. One is super funny, one is really clever, one gives you great advice. Imagine if they were all exactly the same, like, how boring life would be. And so you don't have to be the same as everyone else either. And I always think about FOMo as it's usually driven by a fear of missing out because you believe that everyone else will be drinking and having a better time than you. That's usually what drives it, right? That you think that your option is boring or a deprivation or punishment. You fear that you'll be missing out on some special thing, and you feel envious that others can do it while you struggle to be good. That's usually where this fear of missing out is coming from. You don't fear missing out on taking the garbage out. You don't fear missing out on something that's not fun. You fear missing out on what you believe is fun. And this fear is so misplaced, like, you're not really scared you'll miss out. Because if you think about it, you can still go to everything you're invited to. You can still laugh with your friends and dance yourself silly. What you're really scared of is that everyone else will have more fun than you because you still believe drinking is more fun than sobriety. Which means that it's not your friends or your invitations that need to change necessarily. It's your mindset. And a brilliant way to reframe this is to make your option more fun. And this was a trick that I learned in the beginning because, gosh, did I used to mope about some events because I believed that everyone else would have more fun than me because I wasn't drinking. And so I realized in order to take my power back and not feel like not have a pity party or not feel like a victim, I needed to make my own choice more fun. I was like, okay, how do I make not drinking the most fun it can be so that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. And so one of these ways is to invest in upgrades. So if you are going to an event with friends, you might be going to the theater or something like that. You might want to invest in better seats or better tickets. If you're going to a restaurant or some kind of food event, you might want to upgrade your food options by choosing a nicer restaurant or ordering a nicer meal. Or if you're going to stay with friends over the holidays or you're going to a wedding, that's a big event. You might want to upgrade your accommodation, your room or your hotel because you'll really notice and appreciate all these little changes so much more now that you're sober. Like, when I was drinking, if I went to a party and a friend said, oh, you can just sleep on a mattress on the floor, I would have been happy with that as long as there was alcohol. Like, my standards were pretty low. And once you stop drinking, your standards become higher because you're fully conscious. So lean into that, really have fun with it and see how you can make it more fun. So you might want to also, like, if you're going to an event, you might want to have little special touches with you when you go. Like the things we've talked about, like the essential oil perfume and the lucky charm, you might also want to have treats waiting for you when you get home. Just celebrate how courageous you've been and just reinforce those patterns of behavior that sobriety can be. Fun. So you can put fresh sheets on your bed before you go so that you have something lovely to come home to. You can set up a little cupcake for yourself for when you get home. You can set up candles or fresh flowers. You can have a new book. You can also set up new sublime treats for the next morning. So things like a sunset, sunset, sunrise, walk with friends, or a visit to the beach, or morning yoga class, or some creativity event or class, you can set up little treats for yourself so that you make your option more fun. And also, there's things like wearing your favorite outfit, something that makes you feel good. There's all kinds of ways that you can really get creative with this, and I really encourage you to explore this and make a list as well of all of your fun ways to have more. Enjoy it more, because the more you focus on making your option more fun, the less you will have fomo, the less you will care about what everyone else is doing because you're having the best time ever.
[00:29:31] Speaker B: Well, I'm appreciating all these really practical tips. They're so helpful. I love a good practical tip. What about when your challenges other people, like, if your trigger is other people, like, say you're doing a family social event you're kind of obligated to go to, or you have like drink pushers or that kind of thing. What are some ways we can manage?
[00:29:59] Speaker C: Yeah, I mean, this can be really tricky, especially in the beginning, and I found it so difficult to know what to say. And the more we do it, the better, the easier it becomes. And I really believe that the more confident, happy and joyful you are in your own choices, the less likely people are to peer pressure you.
[00:30:18] Speaker B: Like, if you seem like you're really.
[00:30:20] Speaker C: Owning your choice and you have unshakable confidence, people won't question it. They're like, okay, she knows what she's doing because she's totally happy with not drinking. Rather than if you say, oh, I can't drink, or I wish I could, people will then want to alleviate your suffering. Like, there's a part of them that will want to convince you that, yes, you can. Like, come on, just have one. But if you go into an event and you're like, oh, no thanks, not for me. And you're totally happy with that, they're less likely to peer pressure you because they're like, oh, okay, she knows what she wants.
And a tactic that can really help with this is to switch your comments from something negative to something positive. So rather than talking about what you can't do, talk about what you can or will do. This is a great way to just shift the energy and shift the focus and help them to realize to stay focused on the positives as well. So rather than saying, oh, I can't stay late, you say, oh, I can stay until 09:00 p.m.
Or rather than saying, I can't drink tonight, you say, I'll have a club soda. You're just focusing on the positives. You're focusing on what you can do or what you will do. And this can also relate to, like, if there's an event that you really don't want to go to because you feel like it would jeopardize your sobriety. And some events are like that, you know, deep down, if you think there's absolutely no way I'll get through that without drinking, you can avoid that event. So then if people ask you, oh, are you going to this event? You can say, oh, I'm not. I can't make that one, but I can make this one. And you shift the focus to, do you want to come to this one?
[00:31:59] Speaker B: This one's going to be really great.
[00:32:01] Speaker C: And it just helps to move the conversation on focus on the positive. Help everyone to think that you know what you want. You know that and you're happy and confident in your choice. You don't need saving.
You're moving towards the reality that you want. And it's entirely possible that your friends may never have seen anyone living happily alcoholiday free before. I hadn't before I stopped drinking. So show them how fun sobriety can be. Like, think of yourself as a game changer or a rebel or a trailblazer. One other mindset trick that I always love to employ is this will either be fun or funny. And I use this especially at family events because they can be the most tricky. And I go into them and I think, you know what? This event will either be fun or funny. I made up my mind and that's how it will be. There'll be no tears today. And so then know everyone has a good time and no one bugs you about your sobriety. You're like, great fun. If uncle Barry gets on his high horse and tells you that you should be drinking because one drink a week is good for the heart or whatever else nonsense. You can just decide to view it as funny. You can decide not to let it impact you or throw you off your intentions. You can just be like, wow, that was funny. And just those little mindset shifts, it alleviates your stress and just makes you feel more confident and just gives you that quiet courage that is so necessary and so delicious in early sobriety.
[00:33:40] Speaker B: Thank you. Those are fun or funny. I love that. Yeah.
And you have a craving. What are some of your tips to manage drinking cravings?
[00:33:54] Speaker C: I think so often the feeling of having cravings, it still is wrapped up in that feeling that your option is not more fun. And you know, something I used to do when I was at events and I would get a craving was really go out to the garden, go out to the bathroom, go somewhere and just take a breather. Because a temporary emotion can come over us where we're like, oh, I'll just grab a drink, or no. Well, no. Or that little addictive voice pops up in our head and I would go and take a breather and just be like, no addictive voice. At the time, I called it the beast. No beast. You will not be just grabbing a drink. I'm going to think about what I want my future to be like, what I want this sobriety experiment to feel like, what I want to learn about myself. And just coming back to that intention just was just so soothing and calming. And after taking a few deep breaths and visualizing that, I was able to move forward in a better way. And so often, cravings, self sabotage, they can come about from different angles. Like, they can come about when you're actually at an event. And taking that breather is a great way to alleviate that. They can also come about through social media. In this day and age, social media can be such a huge trigger, especially in early sobriety. I remember in early sobriety, I decided not to go to one event because I thought it would be too tricky for me. And then I made the rookie mistake of scrolling through my facebook feed instead. Like sitting at home while the party is going on and scrolling through my feed. This is a big mistake if anyone has ever done it before, you know what I mean? My feed was filled with the photos of the best party ever, and I thought I had missed it. I thought I was such a fool. Like, what was I doing? Why was I sober? Why was I wasting my life? Like, this is all the things that came up, I'll never have fun again. All these fears and all this nonsense came up in my head and I moped about the house, wondering what my life had come to. And in that moment, I really wanted to drink. I thought, this is ridiculous. Like, why am I not drinking? It was only the next morning when a friend called that I learnt that those photos had been taken well before 10:00 p.m. Well before several of my friends had gotten into a heated argument, well before a couple of them had left in tears and well before the soul crushing hangovers had set in the next morning. And it was just a snapshot in time. It didn't tell the full story. And so that trick of playing it forward to the end of thinking, sure, for an hour or so, it might have been jovial and it might have been fun, like the photos looked, but that doesn't tell the whole story. That doesn't show all of the other things that go wrong after that, or how all the wheels come off and it gets super messy.
[00:37:03] Speaker B: You kind of mentioned self sabotage, and I think along these lines would be, if someone slips up or they have a set, what is your advice for managing setbacks?
[00:37:16] Speaker C: Managing setbacks, I really believe it's about getting back on that horse.
It's about not beating yourself up. Like, we have so many beautiful members throughout the years in sexy sobriety who had to start their journey over. And I really believe that setbacks can provide such a beautiful learning experience. They really give us a chance to reflect on what we've been doing well and what we could work on a little bit more. Like, often, they are a messenger that teach us, okay, what do I need to strengthen in my support kit, in my toolkit? What do I need to focus on to help me reinforce my sobriety? And so often you can go back and think about, okay, am I looking at my mindset? Am I making my choice more fun? Am I playing the tape forward? Am I thinking about the entire picture like we were just talking about with social media? Am I looking at everything that happens in drinking and could I have more fun in different ways that don't include all of that messiness? The answer is yes.
But yes. Really looking at what this slip or what this setback can teach us and use that to move forward, I really believe setbacks, they really strengthen everything that we've learned so far. They are a deep and beautiful lesson that can help us going forward. And while my personal story is I didn't relapse, I know that's extremely rare. And I think so much of that came down to also having an incredible husband that reflects back to me all the bad things about drinking. And so that really helped. But using all of your tools, like, really leaning on books, podcasts, online programs, talking to others, doing more things in your sobriety, those things will really help you to learn more about what your triggers are, where they lay, and how you can sidestep them in the future, like, what you'll do. And writing down an action plan can always be really good for this. Writing down, okay, when I see this person, I tend to end up drinking. Okay, so what could you do differently there? Could you not see that person for a few months until you're stronger in your sobriety? Could you only see that person for breakfast meetings? Only see them in the mornings? Could you go to different things? And this may take practice. When I remember in early sobriety, I thought, okay, I'll invite two of my favorite drinking friends out to see a movie. Let's go to the cinema, right? It's this nice, safe thing. What I didn't realize is that I had chosen a cinema that served alcohol. So they ordered a glass of wine each and then sat in the cinema either side of me drinking this wine that I could smell. And it was just, like, so weird, because by that point, smell of alcohol was a bit gross to me. But it takes practice. And don't let these little setbacks throw you off your intentions. Like, okay, that didn't work out. But the next time I organized something, I was sure to choose a cinema that didn't serve alcohol. You get a little bit wiser with each setback.
[00:40:46] Speaker B: Thank you. Thank you for going through all that. So, this makes me think of when a lot of those times, you're choosing your friends you're hanging out with or not going to certain events, but for a lot of people, their best drinking buddy is their partner. And so what can someone do if their partner is still drinking and they're changing their own drinking, but their partner is still drinking? That's a tough one. I know.
[00:41:17] Speaker C: It's extremely tough. And I think so much of this can come down to communication, like, really communicating, because many of the women that I've helped, they weren't really open with their husband or partner about their intentions. So really sitting down with them and communicating and telling them, this is what I want to do. This is why I want to be on this path. And all I need from you is your love and support. Like, that's all I can ask, and that's all I want. And even if I don't necessarily know what that looks like right now, that's what I need from you. And I think the more that you open up those lines of communication, the more empathy the other person has, the more understanding they have. They feel like they're in your inner circle, which your partner should be, and they feel like they are on your side as well. And you then know that you have been honest and clear. And even if you don't know what to say, even if your voice shakes, just tell them how you've been feeling and how alcohol has been affecting you. Because quite often, no one understands it as well as we understand how it's been impacting us. People told me all the time, oh, you don't need to stop drinking. What are you talking about? Like, you're fine. The rest of us drink more than you. Which wasn't really true, but I knew how it was impacting me. I knew what it felt like deep down that I didn't want to keep feeling that way. So explaining that, and then also so many of my beautiful clients who've had husbands where their main thing to do on date nights was to go out and have dinner with drinks or go out drinking together, started to shift their relationship to doing other things together. One couple did acrobatic classes, like doing acrobatic lessons, which I thought was so fun and creative. Another couple did going for canoeing, like canoeing first thing in the morning. So it could be something new, like riding your bicycles around the river. It could be going to do some art class together. It could be just really thinking outside the box, and it can lead to a beautiful new chapter in your relationship where you're doing something new, you're really freshening it up and trying something new. And when you think about it, like, deep down, your partner wants what's best for you. They love you. They want to care and support you. And if they don't, that's another story, that's another conversation. But if your relationship is good, then they want that for you. And so finding a way where you can respect each other. And by setting, you can also set some boundaries and say, listen, if you want to drink, that's your choice, but please don't bring the alcohol into the home, or please don't open them in front of me, or please don't leave the bottles here. Or just really being forthcoming on what you need, what would make it easier for you. And then understanding that they're on their own journey, they may take a little bit longer, but you, again, can be that trailblazer. You can be the one being the shining example, showing them that it can be fun on the sober side.
[00:44:32] Speaker B: Thank you. Yeah, I know that's a tough one for a lot of people, and I appreciate just your sharing about that and your tips and what I would say that a lot of people that are listening to this podcast, and maybe they're doing dry January, they're not really sure what they want their relationship with alcohol to look like if they're done, if they're just taking a break or they're done. I know you had at one point, talked a lot about moderation versus sobriety. Do you have any thoughts to share about that?
[00:45:08] Speaker C: Yeah. For me, I went round and around and around with moderation, as so many of us have. I made rules around my drinking. If I only drink four nights a week, if I only drink two drinks at a time, if I only do this, if I only do that. What I didn't realize is that it wasn't the third drink that was the problem. It wasn't the third night that was the problem. It was that first drink. That first drink led to everything else. And by staying in moderation, we really keep ourselves stuck in this same old pattern, this same old setting rules, breaking them, hating ourselves for it, losing confidence in ourself, losing self trust, and by embarking on something new and just saying, I'm just not even going to have that first drink. Nothing. I'm not going to have it at all. And I'm going to focus on a new chapter, a new adventure. I just feel like that brings out so much freedom. You're not trying to hold yourself back. And I think so many of us have the experience of going to an event and saying, oh, no, I'm only having three drinks. And then the whole night we're on tenter hooks where we don't want to allow ourselves to let go and have fun. That's not being carefree. I thought that alcohol meant being carefree, and really so briety does, because once you sort of take that alcohol out of the equation, you're free to just be relaxed, have fun. There's no rules, there's nothing else. Besides, like, I don't drink anymore. That's it. And it just opens up so much space. And instead of then always focusing on the rules, the moderation, the trying to control ourselves, we instead are free to open up our world and focus on everything else that's out there. Rather than this sort of like keeping alcoholiday as our focus, we remove it from the equation completely and say, my life is my focus.
[00:47:09] Speaker B: Yeah, thank you for that.
[00:47:11] Speaker C: And I think you do a good.
[00:47:13] Speaker B: Job of just like we were talking about, just shining a light on sobriety and how it is better on the other side. I know it's hard for people to get there. And that's why if you're doing a dry month or taking a break, I am just so proud of you for even trying, for even just being open and seeing, like, is my life better without alcohol?
And really getting honest and curious about that and really leaning into it. Like you said, making your events fun, choosing what you go to, figuring out what you like, all that good stuff is so helpful.
Well, any final words you would say to someone who's listening to this, and maybe they're still on the fence about their drinking, and maybe they're unsure, maybe they're feeling stuck. What would you say?
[00:48:06] Speaker C: I would say, I know it's hard to believe that life can be better on the other side. Trust me, I get it. I felt exactly the same way. So find out for yourself. Like, just give yourself that chance. And I really think three months or 100 days really can give you that capacity to learn what it feels like to discover the clarity, to discover all the good things. And so rather than thinking about not drinking for 100 days, think about alcohol free life for 100 days. No hangovers, no regrets, no tears, no shame, none of these things. Just like, what could you do in 100 days? Imagine that a doctor said, you cannot drink for 100 days. Okay. What are you going to do with yourself? What are you going to explore? What are you going to learn about yourself? What are your new hobbies and interests? So much time opens up for us when we're not drinking. Like, a seven hour event went by in a flash when we were drinking. When we're sober, it goes so much more slowly, and you also have so much more time with no hangovers. So what could you get up to? What adventures could you get up to? Really focus on that, because that helps so much to not grieve or look backwards or to think about alcohol in the drinking days, to really focus on the future, because that's where the magic lives.
[00:49:28] Speaker B: Thank you. Well said.
[00:49:30] Speaker C: Well, I want to thank you again.
[00:49:32] Speaker B: For coming on and sharing your wisdom. I feel like I was just picking your brain.
[00:49:38] Speaker C: I really appreciate you.
[00:49:40] Speaker B: How can people find you?
[00:49:42] Speaker C: You can come and find
[email protected]. And you'll find there my books and my most recent one is called RSB Sober, which is a journal that helps you socialize sober. And, gosh, I had so much fun making this one you can write in it, you can make your lists, you can write your action plans, and I really hope it helps you to kick butt at your next social event.
[00:50:07] Speaker B: I love it. I love it so much. Well, thank you so much.
[00:50:11] Speaker C: Thank you so much for having me, Deb.
[00:50:13] Speaker B: It's been such a pleasure.
[00:50:17] Speaker A: Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Alcohol Tipping Point podcast. Please share and review the show so you can help other people too. I want you to know I'm always here for you, so please reach out and talk to me on Instagram at alcoholiday tipping point and check out my website, alcoholtippingpoint.com, for free resources and help. No matter where you are on your drinking journey, I want to encourage you to just keep practicing. Keep going. I promise you are not alone and.
[00:50:46] Speaker B: You are worth it.
[00:50:47] Speaker A: Every day you practice not drinking is.
[00:50:50] Speaker B: You can learn from.
[00:50:51] Speaker A: I hope you can use these tips we talked about for the rest of your week and until then, talk to you next time.
